I went back to work full time this week. I had already been working more than half time since Ginger was 3 months old but for some reason the extra hours just really put me over the edge.
I was always a very dedicated, strong worker before I had kids. I always had at least one job, sometimes two. Before we had kids it was always known that I would work full time after the kids were born. It was expected by me and my husband. I was fine with it. I liked working.
After the kids were born everything changed. Not only did I not want to go back to work but I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest having to leave them. I'm the kind of mom who never left little Milton for more than 2 hours until he was 14 months old and his sister was born. My natural instincts to protect and be with my children are strong and emotional for me. It's hard because I read or hear about all these moms who have the priviledge to stay home with their children and they are complaining about the most trivial things and it makes me angry because I would give anything to be in their shoes. I know it shouldn't but it does. The grass is always greener.
For some reason after the children were born I didn't care what I said before. I didn't care that I had always agreed to work full time because we needed it. I don't want to. I want to be with my children. I feel angry. I feel like it is my right as their mother to stay with them. I feel like I am doing something horribly wrong by leaving them. Thank God they are with my husband who is the best father I could ask for. Day care was out of the question for me.
But I want to be the mom who is there for every second, every milestone. I don't want to miss a thing. I want to know every single in and out of their routine. I want to have fresh baked goodies for them waiting after school. I want to wipe evry dirty face. Give every bath. single every song, read every book. I want to be an amazing mother. I know I still can be but it's not the same in my eyes.
But, there is no option. There is no choice. There is no cutting back on expenses. My husband and I have one car that we share and it's a very unreliable 95 Subaru. We don't have cable TV. We NEVER and I mean NEVER go out to eat. Our cell phones get shut off periodically because we can't pay the bill.
I HAVE TO DO IT! I have to work and I am just torn apart about it.
I'm sorry if this was an extremity negative post but this has been weighing VERY heavy on my heart for a long time now, Thank you dear readers for listening. I needed to get that out.
And I know this too shall pass.