A Heavy Heart

I went back to work full time this week. I had already been working more than half time since Ginger was 3 months old but for some reason the extra hours just really put me over the edge.
I was always a very dedicated, strong worker before I had kids. I always had at least one job, sometimes two. Before we had kids it was always known that I would work full time after the kids were born. It was expected by me and my husband. I was fine with it.  I liked working.
After the kids were born everything changed. Not only did I not want to go back to work but I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest having to leave them. I'm the kind of mom who never left little Milton for more than 2 hours until he was 14 months old and his sister was born. My natural instincts to protect and be with my children are strong and emotional for me. It's hard because  I read or hear about all these moms who have the priviledge to stay home with their children and they are complaining about the most trivial things and it makes me angry because I would give anything to be in their shoes. I know it shouldn't but it does. The grass is always greener.
For some reason after the children were born I didn't care what I said before. I didn't care that I had always agreed to work full time because we needed it. I don't want to. I want to be with my children. I feel angry. I feel like it is my right as their mother to stay with them. I feel like I am doing something horribly wrong by leaving them. Thank God they are with my husband who is the best father I could ask for. Day care was out of the question for me.
But I want to be the mom who is there for every second, every milestone. I don't want to miss a thing. I want to know every single in and out of their routine. I want to have fresh baked goodies for them waiting after school. I want to wipe evry dirty face. Give every bath. single every song, read every book. I want to be an amazing mother. I know I still can be but it's not the same in my eyes.
But, there is no option. There is no choice. There is no cutting back on expenses. My husband and I have one car that we share and it's a very unreliable 95 Subaru. We don't have cable TV. We NEVER and I mean NEVER go out to eat. Our cell phones get shut off periodically because we can't pay the bill.
I HAVE TO DO IT! I have to work and I am just torn apart about it.
I'm sorry if this was an extremity negative post but this has been weighing VERY heavy on my  heart for a long time now, Thank you dear readers for listening. I needed to get that out.
And I know this too shall pass.



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24 comments:

Myers said...

You sound like in exceptional mom even though you can not be home with both your kiddos. My heart goes out to you because there is mothers out there who are stay at home moms who still put their children in daycare just so they can go get a mani and pedi. I wish there were more of you out there. Kudos to you for doing both full time mommy and working mom.

Amy said...

Oh Hanna. My heart is heavy with you. I totally understand where you are coming from. When I got married it was understood I would keep teaching after I had kids, but when Jake came around I just couldn't do it. So I quit, and we have struggled ever since. Thankfully, God has always been faithful and we have figured at way to make it work...but I still work, as you know. It's not easy. Big hugs to you. I will pray that you feel peace during this time....you are amazing girl. xoxo

Yummy Mummy said...

Hanna, I can totally understand where you are coming from. Although I do stay home with the kids, I have never left my kids with a babysitter for more than an hour or two and even then I am anxious. You are a great mom. Your kids are so so lucky to have two loving parents. And SO lucky not to be in daycare, but with Dad. I'm proud of you for knowing the difference. Thank you for reminding us all about what's important. You should be proud of being such a great mom AND providing financially for your family. Thank you for reminding ME not to complain about trivial things like not being able to pee alone ;) XO

PoetessWug said...

I totally understand, even though I don't have children. You're longing to be the 'YOU' you want to be. Hopefully this 'work' thing won't be for long and something unseen and wonderful will come along! You never know! Keep your chin up. You're doing what must be done for now, it seems. No fretting over not having choices. A lot of people don't these days...unfortunately. :-(

Laura Jennings said...

Hanna,
This brought tears to my eyes. I feel for you.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I went back to work when my son was 3 WEEKS old. Fortunately he was home with my husband, but I was so torn. I hated every second of it. Was heartbroken about the other moms that got to stay home, do mommy and me, play dates, etc.

Hang in there, stay strong. Things will work out.
XOXO

The Country Cook said...

Sending you big hugs.

Burke & Chelle said...

Hanna,

I am so sorry. I don't have kids yet myself but I can only imagine the bond that develops between a mother and a child. It would be very hard to leave them. You are an exceptional person and a great mother. I can see through your blog how much you love your children. It is amazing to me to see how much you get done. I wish I could make it better. I'm praying for you!
~Rachelle

Gail @ Sophisticated Steps said...

Praying for you today. I read this last night and couldn't get you off my mind.

I think what makes you a GREAT mother is that you WANT to be with your children.

1 Peter 5:7 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you."

Melissa said...

Hannah, Ive been reading your blog for quite a while, and I can tell you are a wonderful Mom, please..dont feel bad that you have to work.
Your children will grow up with strong work principals, and your time together with them will be even more precious.
I know it might be kind of hard right now..but think of your time at work as "mommy time" or "me" time, that you are getting paid for. =)
My prayers are with you that you can face these conflicting emotions with strength and courage.

Dixie Mom said...

I'm so sorry. I know that is such a difficult thing to do. I hope it gets easier.

Amgilliam said...

I totally feel where you are coming from. I was a SAHM with my first born, but was working full time when my 2nd came along. I assumed I would be quitting shortly after, but she is almost 2 and here I am...working. The good news is she is with her daddy during the day and has only had to go to a sitter's very few times. It has not been easy missing some of the firsts and just not being there. But, she is a super happy little gal and I am so thankful she has had one of us with her on a daily basis.

Donna said...

Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I went back to work when Aurora was 3 months old. Both my husband and I work full time and we had a wonderful daycare provider. But it was so hard. It still is hard sometimes and she is 3 1/2 and in preschool. I would cry on my way to work and I would cry at my desk. I really didn't miss any of the firsts, either. We had sitting up, crawling, walking and first words at home...great timing since she decided to wait for the weekend. It does get better and don't feel bad for working. You are providing for your family and that requires a lot of strength. Your children will look up to you for it. Hang in there.

kendrasue said...

I am sorry you feel this way and that there is nothing that can be done to make it better. I too have had a heavy heart about work especially since I am about to go on leave with a new little one in about a month. I hope you get through this rough time and your kids will understand that you are doing what is best for your family for the time being. Hopefully soon that will change for you!

mom2girls said...

Huge hugs to you, and your family. That is all I have for you, hugs. I do think from what I read that you invest allot in your family, and that you love them SO much - they will know this, and thank you so much for it when they are grown. You sound like the mom I wish I had had as a child (of a working mom) my mom worked to have stuff, and to get away from us - you work because you have to- there is a huge diffrence in that. I read your blog because I take such inspiration from you, again you rock my world with your words. Hugs.

Val said...

Wow, my heart is hurting for you...in a big way! You are amazing in every way.

HALLELUJAHS by Holly said...

Hanna! My lower lip is sticking out and pouting for you. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this hardship with leaving your babies. I am praying for you and rooting for you girl. You're right, this too shall pass, but knowing that doesn't always make it easy. Thanks for sharing your heart and encouraging us all. It's not always sunshine and rainbows staying home with my son, so thank you for the reminder to love every single moment at home with Coop, even the rough ones. Keep plugging away...one day at a time. I can only imagine how precious each moment you spend with those babies at home must be.

Big hugs friend,
Holly

Jodi said...

:(

You are totally a good mom..

Such a sweet picture

((hug))

Anonymous said...

i love your blog, you are so real. when i read this post I couldn't believe it, you said everything i am going through right now! i hate leaving my baby girl, but it's what has to be done and we are barely making it... i pray that the Lord gives us peace and always lets our babies feel our love even when we aren't there. stay strong! ~ b

Melynda said...

Hanna, your little ones don't know anything except what you show them. This is much harder on you than on them, they only know that Mom goes to work each day and then comes home to be with them, and do for them and love them lots. That is the life they know and are secure with. Your heart is the one breaking (and I would feel the same as you, and have in the past) but not theirs. They are loved everyday, by both parents. Not bad my dear not bad. Not what you want, I know. And I so agree about this being the most difficult thing in the world to come to terms with. So kiss them twice when you kiss them, tuck them in and tell them you love them and all will be OK. Oh and be kind to you, too! (cause you deserve it)

Tylerpants said...

I'm sure your babies know how much you love them even though you can't be with them when you go to work. You are providing for your family & that's what they need too. *hugs*

Mami said...

You are so sweet! But do not feel bad! You are going to work, not to get a mani and have lunch with your friends!
And you don't know how LUCKY your kids are that they can spend time with Daddy!

Susan said...

Awww, that is such a hard thing, to leave your children in someone else' s care. My heart goes out to you!

Vanessa Jackeline said...

Hanna, I admire you for being so open in your blog, I would like to do that but I feel that people would judge me or that my boss is going to look at my blog or something. I feel the same way you are feeling, for the last 20 months since my daughter was born but I know that the Lord knows about my feelings and there will be a way for me to stay and for you too

mienkintoshfairie said...

Hanna, I know that you will get through this, if you haven't already. I missed alot it seems. *Hugs* there are many of us working just to survive, not to have luxury items. You're such a great mom to want to stay at home and take care of your kids. Don't feel bad though, maybe you will be able to change shifts with someone, or change your hours in due time. ^_^

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