My Life: My Fight

My friends,

I find myself completely and totally overwhelmed. My father's death coupled with  many other situations have left me an emotional wreck. 

This was a photo he kept of me in his room. I am so grateful to have it as I only have one other since the loss of our home in hurricane Katrina.

I find myself going in and out of the grieving stages  every other minuet. One minuet I'm angry, the next crying and the next totally in denial bouncing through my day like nothing is happening.
 I am trying to cope but I fear not doing a very good job.

My father died a month ago. 
My parents divorced when I was 4. We never lived with him after that. We did spend holidays and summer's with him only.   
His death is affecting me in a much more profound way than I had expected. 
Death always has profound effects on families. Unfortunately my sister and I had a huge fight the week my father died and haven't spoken since. 
My heart hurts. I am sad. I cry. 
My brother died 4 years ago. She is my only sibling left.

I find myself riddled with anger at the loss of my husband's job.
I don't mind working overtime to support us but I see what it has done to my husband's pride and it makes me ANGRY!
The way in which he was let go from his job was not respectable. I do not believe they are admirable people. The owner's of the business took advantage of him, took money out of our pockets, fired him 3 weeks before Christmas, sided with a liar and a cheat and they call themselves good Christians. As you can tell.....I'm FUMING!!!!   I can't seem to let it go. I can't let go of what they have done to my family. I need to.

We are facing declaring bankruptcy.

 Am I ashamed? Am I afraid? 
Of course I am. 

That's why I want to talk about it.
We will meet with a lawyer in the next couple weeks so I will probably feel a lot better after that but I am terrified we are going to loose our home. 
I just want to be a good mother and example for my children. 
I feel like I have let them down.

 This year my relationship with God has completely changed.

Growing up I was not baptized and my parents did not practice religion. I had probably only been in a church a few times in my life until I met my husband and began to go with him and his family sometimes on special occasions. 

My entire adult life my relationship with God was lost. 

I didn't even know it existed until I found myself on my knees begging for mercy! 

About 4 or 5 years ago that started to change.  I started to feel God's presence in my life and realized I could interact with him. 

I am so happy that this year my relationship with God has grown leaps and bounds. I find that now a little piece of my God lives within me and I feel warm and protected always. My God is all my own and will never let me down.

I do not consider myself a Christian, a Catholic or a Buddhist but all I know is,  I have grown into a profound relationship with MY GOD and I am so grateful.

In my heart I am full of love, joy, inspiration, fire, motivation and contentment but I have to fight everyday with all my might to let that shine! 

I am a fighter; always have been; always will be.
I will continue to fight!!! 
I will continue to LOVE with my whole heart.
I will continue to walk with my doors wide open.
I will continue to be grateful every single day.
I will continue to keep my chin up. 
I will continue to find the good in any situation.
I will overcome this: I will endure this. 
I will come out on the other side of this.

I am up to running 10  miles on my long runs and have officially registered for my first 1/2 marathon on March 4th in New Orleans. 

New Orleans, we're coming home and I know your arms will be open.
I can't wait to run heart first into them!!! 


Cardigan: Target
Button down shirt: J Crew
Jeans: J Brand
Boots: Anthropologie
Leg Warmers: Delirium Kredens

pleated poppyMomma Go Round
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Tricia said...

I think that it is good to be honest. All too often we don't express our feelings, and sometimes our feelings can eat us from the inside out.

Thanks for being honest. It is good to admit that we are humans, and inherently imperfect. Showing your kids that you can push through the hard times will be the best example that you can give your kids.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Carole Rae said...

I must agree with Tricia...that is an excellent example for your children. Too many times people give up, but you didn't. You pushed through. I'm so sorry for your losses. I had to watch both my parents suffer through the loss of their dads. Yes, they may been my grandparents, but losing a parent is much harder.

adventuresindinner said...

Oh honey, so sorry that so much has been dumped on you. It isn't right and I won't offer any platitudes. I will mention you in my prayers and look forward to hearing about how well things have turned around VERY soon.

stephanie said...

hanna my heart is breaking for you! but let me assure you, you have not let your family or your children down. these circumstances were beyond your control. you are an amazing momma don't ever forget it!!! xo

Amanda Putri said...

Hugs ^_^
So sorry about your lost. But I believe you'll get through this just like I believe that there's always a rainbow after rain even when we can't see it.

Be Strong dear.

toi said...

hanna, thank you for sharing your thoughts with you. i admire your strenght.

a big hug

Kendra said...

If anything you are a wonderful example for your children. You have and will continue to teach them endurance, acceptance and perseverance. You teach them to fight through battles and not sit out and take it. You work a very hard shift because you have to and believe me not everyone would do that despite having little mouths to feed. You are strong, brave, and loving. I'm honored to call you my friend.
Love ya

Lindsay said...

I love these honest posts. I had NO IDEA about your husbands job! I am so sorry my sweet friend. UGGH when it rains it pours. I am praying for you! Know this is just a season and you will look back at it all much stronger. LOVE YOU!

Karly said...

Oh Hanna I am so sorry to hear of all your troubles, and I thank you for being so open about them. I am praying for you and your family, and I knowknowknow God will provide. He helped my family so that we didn't lose our home before Christmas, and we are far less deserving than you, so He will show you the way.

Marion said...

Wow...Hanna I am so sorry. It sounds as though you are really going through a very challenging time. They say when it rains, it pours. Well my seems like it's really pouring cats and dogs where you are right now.

I won't try to give any advice here since as a psychologist, I truly believe that we each know deep down the proper course and it is through ourselves where we find inner strength to make it through times like these. You will survive. Your family will be okay. Just continue to fight, believe and keep your chin up.
Sending a big hug your way!!
XO -Marion

The Cantelmo Family said...

I can't imagine what you are going through Hanna. So much all at once. I am so sorry about your dad and sister. Whenever I am going through a hard time I just try to tell God how I am feeling, the good and the bad because He cares about us and wants to be there for us! He wants to be there for you!
I understand the job situation. My husband was let go in a completely inappropriate way too. It's so hard to be a working mom. We are worried about losing our house too. It's a scary time for so many people and it's unfair! I am so sorry that you guys have to go through this! I am here for you friend! Praying for you!
And it's okay to be angry, I think it is just part of the process.

Christy said...

I'm so sorry, Hannah. Sounds overwhelming and probably impossible. Hang in there for the only way it seems left to go, is up. Let it all fuel you to the end of the finish line. And I'm still waiting for your friend request on :)

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I'll be sending some prayers up for your and your family.

SueAnn said...

My husband lost his job the same way...and I too was so angry. But in the process, I got to watch God work and He is awesome!! 22 years later we are blessed with His overwhelming provisions!!
So don't be disheartened. He has great plans for you both!!
I just know it

Michelle said...

I think it is wonderful that you are able to be so honest. I think there is a part of healing when you allow yourself to lay it all on the line. I recently lost my son so I can some what relate to how hard it is to grieve but you have soooo much going on. Thank you for sharing. I hope it helps you to be able to talk about it all :)

lovejoy_31 said...

so very sorry about the loss of your father. My mom died in November so I do know how hard it is to deal with the emotions after losing a parent. I will be praying for you to find a peace about it.

Stacie said...

Oh, Hanna, I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with so much at once, sometimes it just seems to work that way. Just remember that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. You may not be able to control your circumstances right now, but you can control how you respond to them. Keep your faith and you will get through and of course, in the meantime remember that we are here, even if you just need to vent!

m&msmommy said...

I feel like a record on repeat every time I comment on these honests posts of yours, but for the sake of sounding trite (please know this comes from the bottom of my heart :) I hope sharing and being so open and honest truly helps your heart heal. You are amazing! I am SO glad to read that your relationship with God is growing. He is the only One that can be there for us in every circumstance, every trial, every tribulation. We just have to remember to turn to Him. I am SO happy to read that you are relying on Him to get you through these unbelievably difficult times. Of course my prayer would be that you'd not be experiencing this sort of heartache, but life has a way of bringing us to our knees, that sometimes must be experienced through heartache and heartache alone.

I pray for you and your family every single day, but now that I know some specific areas you are struggling in, I will be praying for those things!

Love and prayers to you friend! :)

Melissa at Tall Blonde said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and your current struggles. Life certainly can take it's toll, but keep your head up. It will work out, have faith. Positive energy can work wonders!

Lorrie said...

Hanna, you are an amazingly strong women. I know you will come out on the other side of these trials even stronger. I know that right now they may seem too much to bear, but you and your family will make it! You have each other! I pray that you will be given the guidance and strength you need to may the best decisions for your family! You have a lot of people on your side that will be sending positive thoughts you way. I know I will be! You provide inspiration for so many, I hope we can do the same for you during this difficult time.

PoetessWug said...

WOW! It's no wonder you're going through the wave of emotions...your ocean is full!! You have a lot of things going on. It sounds like you're finding your way though, so no need for me to add to it. I've had similar things...on all the fronts you mentioned...and my God and his word the Bible has been my constant trusted and reliable companion...along with other people of like faith. Family. :-) I hope you can find that as well. I'm sending good thoughts in the meantime.

Jeanine Byers Hoag said...

I am so moved by your post and so respect you for sharing what's going on in your heart and in your life!! I'm so sorry for your loss of your father.

I know grief can hit hard and in unexpected ways. And then with your husband's job loss and your fight with your sister, it must seem like you can't catch a break!

I'm glad to hear about your relationship with God because I pray you will feel surrounded and held tight by God's comfort.

I have sort of found my way back to God, too, in recent years and I don't know that I would define it by any particular religion, either. But like you said, I know my relationship with God is absolutely real!! (((((bighugs)))))

Oh, and can I just say how much I love, love, love your outfit! That is what made me follow you here from Real Momma, Real Style. I saw those warm earth colors (my faves) and had to come see. :)

Beautiful pictures, too!

Take care!!

Rachel @ My Happily Ever After said...

oh you poor much tragedy at once to deal with!! i'm glad to hear that you're finding some peace with it and i'm so proud that you're pushing forward, planning for the future, and trying to stay positive. i'll keep you in my thoughts and please let me know if there's anything that i can do!

Amy said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles, but am so happy and inspired to hear about your relationship with God! It is truly amazing how much He can change us and help us when we let Him. I'll be praying for you :)

Char said...

It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing for your family, you are a very strong woman. Your children don't think you are letting them down. They see their momma working hard for them, playing with them, cooking AMAZING things for them and they have you with them all the time. Having a relationship with God is a great thing, I too like you did not grow up with religon present in my family and it wasn't until I met my husband that I started going to church with him and his family. And, I too lost my dad recently, will be a year in February and it won't be easy to have that date come. I've greived like you; confused and angry and sad all at the same time. I can say this because I'm going through it too; it will get easier over a LONG period of time. You are such a strong, amazing woman, your husband has got to be so proud of you! Hugs :)

Marina {Yummy Mummy) said...

Hanna, I had no idea you lost your home to Katrina. You have been through so much. You are so honest and beautiful and I know you can get through anything. Things will get better. hugs

JK said...

Hanna~ You are so strong!! Your honestly warms my heart. Reading your post was like reading about my own life! I struggle with some of the same things. I have faith that God will lead me where I need to be.

Susan said...

Oh Hanna, I had no idea.
My condolences on the loss of your father.
And know that every family has it's issues - your sister will come around.
Praying for you and your husband. xo

Becky @ Petals Lace and Pearls said...

Stay strong! This season will only make you stronger. Continue to have faith in Him! Praying for you!

Jeanna said...

I'm so sorry for your losses this year. I think it has been tough for a lot of us we just put on the smiles and hide it. You are very uplifting for me and I really hope the best for you an your family. Stay strong girl and your rockin that outfit!

jeanna @

Charlotte said...

Hanna, I am so new here (I've had you in my reader but haven't stopped by in quite sometime), and I just wanted to express my deepest, heartfelt condolences for your losses and hardship. I think by seeking financial guidance, finding faith, and admitting you are human you are setting the best example for your child. Wishing you so much love and healing and I'm thrilled you have found running, since it clearly leaves you feeling empowered.



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