Self Sabotage

It can be such an ugly wretched little beast!!

Anybody else well acquainted with it???

Well unfortunately self sabotage has been something I have struggled with my entire life. My life seems to be like a merry go round.   Round and round we go thought the different stages: happy and productive most of the year, then down and self sabotaging for a few months, then recovering from the down time and moving froward again.  Technically I think it's called Cyclical Depression.

I feel very blessed because the birth of mt children have helped this tremendously. There simply isn't enough time to even be selfish enough for one second to self sabotage. You  must warrior on.

Well. Last night my battle with self sabotage began AGAIN!!!

What did I do?

AT 10 PM I went into the kitchen and ate an ENTIRE bowl of frosting. Not because it tasted good. Not because I was craving it. Not because I needed a treat. In fact because I bake so many goodies for my blog, there are ALWAYS sweet treats lying around here. I could have had a chocolate chip cookie or a truffle but I went for the frosting because I knew it would do the most damage.

I did it to punish myself.


Because it's easier to fail then it is to succeed!!!!!!!!

I haven't done anything wrong.
I did it to sabotage all the amazing healthy choices I have made over the past year and managed to loose 110 pounds. I did it because I felt bad about myself. I wanted to punish myself and I knew if I made my self sick I wouldn't want to run today.

It's easier to be overweight and depressed and stay in bed all day and do a mediocre job raising your kids. Why do you think 70 % of tghe country is feeding their children  McDonalds which is basically poison rather than taking the  \time to buy and prepare healthy food? Because it's easy!!!!! And we wonder why our children are obese and have hormone problems.

To succeed is a triumph but it comes with a high price tag. Anyone is capable of it but it's not easy. If it were,  we'd all be exactly where it is we want to be. We must keep striving for our goals and never give up. Once you acheive one....It's time to move on to the next!!!!

Well guess what I ran 8 miles at 9.55 pace ANYWAY, despite the 5 cups of icing that certainly did make me ill...!!!! I WILL NOT LET LIFE HOLD ME DOWN!

So.......This is how it begins, with a bowl of frosting, and then I start to move on to bigger, more harmful things until I am in the gutter.

WHY? WHY would anyone do this to themselves??

Great question!!!!

Like I said before because it's MUCH easier to fail than it is to succeed. Failure comes with a million excuses. Success doesn't come with a single one except your blood, sweat and tears to get there.

I was conditioned at a very young age that I should be a certain way, act a certain way and look a certain way. I hated that feeling and try VERY HARD to NEVER, EVER make my children feel like that.

I have done a lot of work around this stuff with a therapist and for some reason I don't feel worthy of the success. The success I deserve, The success I created for myself, so I ruin it on purpose. 


Well...............NOT THIS TIME!!!!!!!

I woke up this morning, immediately started balling, got on my knees and stayed there for a very long time crying and crying and crying.

My wonderful, supportive husband came to me, comforted me, listened to me!


I worked 80 hours last week......Ran 40 miles last week............I've had a recent death in the family which has left me estranged from a different family member because of a fight between us and my kids hardly know me anymore because I work so much. I'm sad. Very sad today.

BUT........Mark my words friends. I am a FIGHTER!!!!! and I will FIGHT until there is nothing left to fight for. I will not let all these misfortunes beat me!!!!!!

Can any of you identify with SELF SABOTAGE ??

pleated poppyMomma Go Round

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melanie said...

i totally relate - i binge eat like that every once in a while too. it's so upsetting everytime i do it but sometimes, it's just a compulsion...

Joanna said...

Absolutely. I do it with food, and especially blogging lately. I know what I should be doing, and I do the opposite. It like my subconscious wants me to fail because if I succeed, I have to keep working on it.

Stephanie said...

It really is a wicked beast....

Lorrie said...

Hanna, I thing a lot of us women do the self sabotage things. I do it with food and lack of exercise. I'm sure there are other ways to do it, too. What makes you so wonderful is that you didn't let it stop you. You picked yourself up this morning and started again. It was a new day and you took the opportunity to have a fresh start. You are an amazing woman and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You inspire me and I am sure many others who also deal with self sabotage, depression, anxiety, etc. You do a lot of good for a lot of people and that takes courage.

Petchie said...

Wow what an amazing story. I definitely have these moments too. But you are truly a strong woman for not letting it stop you!


stephanie said...

i love you are the most honest person i "know". you have such a great attitude and are going to come out on top of this thing!! i know it.

adventuresindinner said...

This is your last big stumbling block. Set backs din't mean you're going to fail. You're human and as long as you pick yourself up again you just can't fail.

Ashley said...

i lovvvvvvve you! and am sooo proud of you hanna!!!!

Karly said...

I am so happy you are kicking self-sabotage right in the ass! You are such a strong, inspirational woman! I wrote a post just a couple of days ago all about my weight struggles and how I sabotage myself constantly. It sucks!

faithspage said...

Lame but, HUGS. You stand tall, with that adorable smile and let it go.
Stay strong girly!!!

SueAnn said...

Oh yes!! I too struggle with that too. I just had a bout of that the last couple of days. Sheesh!!!
Eating things that aren't good for me and not exercising. As least you got up and ran!! I didn't even do that.
But you have encouraged me!! Today I will do my walk...and I will stop shoveling junk in. Back to the routine that lost me 175 lbs!!
I have 50 more to go!! Whew!!
Love you girl

Laura said...

This "I don't feel worthy of the success. The success I deserve, The success I created for myself, so I ruin it on purpose." struck a cord with me. I've been on this damn roller coaster so many times in my life and once again, with the start of the new year I'm starting my "lifestyle change" again but you're right, there are SO many easy excuses for being overweight and not trying.

I feel the same way about not feeling worthy, I know what I want, I know how to get it but why dont I just do it? Why do I not care about myself enough to actually take steps in the right direction, permanently, and keep this weight off? I've lost and gained the same weight over and over throughout my life and I'm back up where I started many years ago... so why do I not love myself enough to keep it off?

I wish I had the answer to why we dont feel worthy enough. I really think that would help get me on the right track.

You're truly an inspiration. Reading this today helped me realize that I'm not the only one struggling with this same self sabotage behavior. Thank you for sharing.


Sarah said...

unfortunately, yes. I have a blog post all ready to go about this very thing, just haven't had the nerve to hit "post" yet. Good for you for fighting back!

Sarah said...

unfortunately, yes. I have a blog post all ready to go about this very thing, just haven't had the nerve to hit "post" yet. Good for you for fighting back!

Sarah said...

unfortunately, yes. I have a blog post all ready to go about this very thing, just haven't had the nerve to hit "post" yet. Good for you for fighting back!

Sarah said...

unfortunately, yes. I have a blog post all ready to go about this very thing, just haven't had the nerve to hit "post" yet. Good for you for fighting back!

Sarah said...

unfortunately, yes. I have a blog post all ready to go about this very thing, just haven't had the nerve to hit "post" yet. Good for you for fighting back!

Melissa Jo said...

You couldn't have hit a nerve that is closer and dearer to my heart right now. Self sabotage is something I have struggled with for years and I fear that I will continue to struggle with it. I'm so glad your fighting back, your such a strong woman. You can overcome!

Brandy said...

Kudos to you for standing tall and fighting back. I lost 30 pounds last year and have gained half of it back. :( It is so easy to be lazy. You have given me the motivation to step it up and start over fresh.

I can't believe you are up to 8 miles at 9.55!!! Wow! You go girl!

Gail @ Sophisticated Steps said...

Hi Hanna!
Been away for a while...just busy, overwhelmed, dealing with life's stuff. ;)
Though our situations are not the same, I do understand what it is to struggle in certain areas. My daily strength comes only from the Lord and I feel it. This came to mind...wanted to share...

Matthew 11:28-30
 28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

You ARE a fighter! That makes you different from those who choose to give up and let "life" take them down. Keep that pretty chin up. Hope you have a blessed day...and boy, are you gonna have some rocking' calves! I am NOT a runner, but would love the legs that go with it! Lol.

Dixie Mom said...

Very much so.
But the trick is to not let it get you down.
And you didn't!

Melynda said...

Like I have said before, Bold Brave and Beautiful.

Yes we all can and/or do self sabbotage. I have and might in the future, but I have found a different "peace" since I now have more years behind me, than lay in front. Don't allow anyone to devalue you, not from the past, or the present and especially in the future.

Self sabbotage is also asking for help. We often times don't know it when we are in the process. Then we don't understand it as we are covered in guilt. Then we don't ask for help because we are too proud.

But it is simply time to step up and be willing to ask for help as easily as we give help. I know you are a giver, and so are others, so it is OK, you can ask.....

take care my friend,


Angie said...

At this point I feel like your cyber stalker but I relate to your words all to easily and agree with you so many times. Keep on keeping on girlfriend! You were rocking that big braid and outfit too. xoxo

Amy said...

I can COMPLETELY relate to this. Especially when it comes to food and eating. It is so much easier to just give in and fail, then to work and succeed. I like that you put it in those words, because I don't always think of it as choosing to fail. Fail is such a strong word, but that is exactly what I'm doing. Good for you for getting up and running anyway! You are amazing, and such an inspiration :)

Kristin said...

Oh, Hanna...I wish I could help. But, I can tell you this much: You speak the truth, always. And you are very right about self-sabotage. I do the same thing. Repeatedly. I don't know why. I hate it. And it makes me feel like I hate myself. And then we blame ourselves for being weak or not having will power (LOVE that one!)...and it's something far different and far more complicated.

You're beautiful, inside and out.


Emily Baker said...

Wow. What a beautiful thing. I had no idea you had lost this much weight- then i looked over to your sidebar and saw your story and read it.

I'm speechless.

You keep your chin up, beautiful girl!

Lisa @ MMT said...

Wow! This is my first time on your blog and I have to say, you are so inspirational. I can totally relate. Binge eating and weight loss is something I struggle with too. It is easier to fail then to work hard to succeed, but it is well worth it in the end. Thanks for your post and being open with your struggles.

Amber said...

well first off you look great. I really do love your pants and think they look amazing on you. Secondly I can relate to the whole self sabotage thing. I think everyone can relate to this at some point in time. I just hope you learn that you do deserve the best and I am sure that in the end you will succeed in all your goals.

Christy said...

Worked 80 hours and ran 40 miles?! Holy cow woman! And GREAT pace on your 8 miler- impressive. It's fun to track your miles and see yourself improve, right?

You are a great example of a fighter and a very productive person.

Tiffany @ NOH said...

Good for you! Just because we sometimes slip does not mean we have to fall. Thanks for being brave enough to put yourself out there and share with us. This is my first time to your blog and I've been touched.

Your bag and the turquoise ring are wonderful, by the way. And you look fabulous! :)

Susan said...

Oh Hanna. I feel so badly that you are feeling this way. You don't deserve to beat yourself up like this ~ just look at you! You look incredible and are an inspiration to anyone that reads your sweet blog.
I hope you work through it {I know you will} ~~ you are a fighter! xo

Lindsay said...

This post just gave me tears. I am struggling in my own hole of darkness. I am asking myself why this life throws these things at us... LOVE you girl! Wish you lived closer!

The Lee Family Happenings said...

I can definitely relate. I think you've shed some light on the reasons for self-sabotage. I never really understood myself before, so thank you sharing! And seriously, way to go on the running! I definitely would've have thrown the rest of the day (or week) out the window. You were able to catch yourself and move on. That's hard!

Sundaro said...

Hanna running is such a cleansing of the soul and by the way you know you have a terrific husband to support you!!! Not everyone has so much going for them.♥ Keep on Keeping on :-)

Anon*RN said...

Hanna - love this honest post, so many of us can relate all too well!! LOVE YOU FOR FIGHTING BACK - you are such an inspiration!! You have no idea how often I think of you when things become difficult!!

Marnie said...

In one way or another, I think we all have done something sabotage our very own efforts. The main thing is that you recognize what it is, and that you carried on the next day! A lot of people don't know what to do. Great post and congratulations on all of your efforts.

AugustMagnolia said...

Just admiring your beautiful hair. Remember when you thought about chopping it? Pretty sure I voted {long} on that. It's so pretty <3 If only mine would ever grow...sigh.


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