On My Heart

Every since I can remember I have struggled badly with cyclical depression. I go through the spring and summer months with flying colors; not a care in the world.

Then once the winter sets in I get depressed. It's the lack of light. I miss the sunshine on my face everyday. I miss the green trees, the wildflowers, the animal life.

It's like suddenly everything has stopped to hybernate; Everthything except us.

I have traveled the world enough to know what it's like in many other cultures.
So many times in my life I have wished I could live like they do in Europe; work a few hours in the morning, come home cook an afternoon meal, take a family nap, then wake up and work a few more hours.
Meanwhile, on your way home from work picking up a few local ingredients to cook with that evening; always having a beautiful FRESH meal on hand instead of frozen hot pockets or whatever other garbage they try to make  us feed our poor children in this country.

We work like dogs........never sleep........eat garbage......and don't mentally nourish ourselves. There is a lot of of work to be done here in the USA if we all want to be healthy, happy individuals. As a counrty we are severly over worked and over stressed.

I am a nurse. I earn a decent salary and yet almost every single coworker of mine has to have 2 jobs or work overtime just to scrape by. I work overtime every single week and we barely scrape by. We have no cable TV. We have no cell phones. We have one land line in our home. We only have one car that we share. It's a 1995 Subaru that barely runs. We go out to ewat teice a year. We do not belong to any clubs or gyms or have any other extra expenses and STILL we BARELY make the mortgage payment every month.

No wonder everyone's on an anti-depressant, obese and has ADD. We feed ourselves poison, never sleep, and work like slaves. 

Honestly most of my budget goes to food. Good food. Organic food. I want my children to be as healhty as they can be but some can't even afford that.

The state of everyday life in this country overwhelms me.

We must continue to work and be mothers and wives and role models. There is no choice. We must persevere through the hard times hopefully while staying relitively sane and not gaining 100 pounds or staying in bed for 5 days at a time. I use those as examples because that's what I want do when I can't deal anymore.

I have made a vow since my children were born that I would be the absolute best mother I could be and I am fighting with all my strength right now to hold true to that.

Everyday I fight to get out of bed. I fight to go to work. I fight to have a free happy spirit. And try desperately not to think "what is wrong with me? Why is my life so hard and how can this possibly be my reality?"

and then I remember, God never gives us more than we can handle.

So........I handle it.
I'm running 30-40 miles a week and I think it may have saved my life. Without it I think I probably WOULD be in my bed 5 days a week.

I am so grateful for these legs that carry me.

Sometimes when I'm having a hard time on one o fmy runs I yell out "FIGHT HANNA FIGHT!!" and the other runners on the path look at me like I'm a nut case.

Who cares!!! I probably am but at least I'm trying and at least I'm FIGHTING!!!! At least I'm out there not letting life drag me down.

I say it over and over again, I WILL NOT LET LIFE HOLD ME DOWN!!!!!

And trust me my friends, I have a long, sorted history that many of you don't know about and I'm sure over time it will all be revieled but I assure you this is no where close to rock bottom for me.

That being said, I have been there before and have no intension of going back so ONWARD and UPWARD it must be!!!

So today I stand before you hoping and praying for a break. Hoping and praying that God will give me mercy soon.

Hoping and praying that this imense amount of love I have to give to the world will be allowed to shine through becasue everyday I FIGHT WITH ALL MY STRENGTH, ALL MY HEART, ALL MY SOUL!!!!

Thank you for listening beautiful people!
How gorgeous is this cuff????? Want one? {Hayden Harnett}

What I'm Wearing
I would like to take the time to give a HUGE thank you to my friends at {BLUE PLATYPUS} for this gorgeous shirt!!!!!
It's soft, 3/4 sleeve with a little puff sleeve and a fabulous floral screen print!!! It falls at the low hip and is fitted for a woman's curves.
What can I say? It's fabulous and I love it.
Please pay them a visit. Their clothes are 100% Indie, 100% one of a kind and 100% made in the USA

Jeans are J.Brand and shoes are Steve Madden!


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Mindee and Austin said...

Hanna you have such an amazing, uplifitng attitude about life! I don't think anyone could read your blog and not feel inspired! You are one amazing woman, thanks for always sharing your most inner feelings! Your outfit is so cute, love those pants! Coming from another runner, did you get shin splints? Im going through them now, and it's hindered my running...sad to sad, I'll have to start all over again. I've been out a month! Im so proud of you on being an amazing runner, GO YOU!

Laura Jennings said...

Stay strong, you are an amazing wife and mother. Most are not as strong as you.
Keep your chin up and always remember WHY you are doing this- those 2 beautiful babies of yours.
You look FANTASTIC!!!!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

The colours in the new outfit are nice enough to encourage smiles. And that shiny, long hair...beautiful. Your running and fighting are keeping those 100 pounds at bay in very good style. I'm shaking my pom poms, cheering you on. Go, Hannah, Go!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

The colours in the new outfit are nice enough to encourage smiles. And that shiny, long hair...beautiful. Your running and fighting are keeping those 100 pounds at bay in very good style. I'm shaking my pom poms, cheering you on. Go, Hannah, Go!

Elisha(: said...

your gorgeous!! I want your hair. ;P

Angie said...

I respect how you handle your depression, honestly, openly and with commitment to not be defeated. I do not have it myself but it is part of my daily life and I am very aware of how much it takes for a person to fight that battle.

stephanie said...

love your openness as always friend! i agree there is something quite depressing about the winter months but thankfully spring will be here before we know it! and i know what you mean about tons of money going to buy healthy and organic foods. it's a crime how much they charge for it. our country is slightly messed up.

Paula said...

very inspirational attitude! if more people were like this, the world would be a better place. I especially loved the "fight hanna fight" part here and wish you all the best to keep fighting, don't give up!!

have the best of weekends,
Paula from Germany

Tiffany said...

Stay strong. Everything you said there I completely agree with and/or experience myself. You have your feet planted firmly on the ground though and you are walking in the right direction, which is so much more than many people are even aware of. Like you said, God will not give us more than we can handle, and realizing that is so RELEASING. Because we know, "I can handle this WITH HIM." How freeing that is!

{Adventuresindinner} said...

You're doing great-just great. The fact you actually care is the main thing.

amberlb88 said...

You go girl! This was a great post. You are a strong woman and I know you will continue to fight and things will work out. You are a great inspiration.

Regina said...

Interesting idea that you have of life in Europe...... ;-))

Sorry that I must say that only very old people who long since have retired and very young babies take naps the way you descibed it.

The rest of the people I know works 50-90 hours the week. Many of them have to wake up and go to work at absolutely amazing times. Most of them return home late in the evenings.

That´s a least what I see with the Dutch, in France, Spain, Switzerland, Austria, Danmark, Poland and of course Germany.

Maybe there are some countries -especially maybe Greece, Italy, Turkey (?)- where some people might have some kind of "dolce vita" attitude. Is it these countries you meant ?

Dearest greetings from Hannover/Germany


Jennifer Blair said...

You are such a strong and beautiful woman! God is faithful and I know He will cary you through whatever comes. Your positive attitude is so inspiring and encouraging!

Rachel @ My Happily Ever After said...

oh love, winter really is harder isn't it? good for you to get out and run {and end up looking totally fab...love those red skinnies!} and work through it instead of letting it get you down. i've said it before and i know i'll say it again...you are a constant source of inspiration!

Amy said...

I love that you quoted that God never gives us more than we can handle. So so so true. I am praying with you and for you! God is so great and I'm so thankful that He led me to your blog so that I can read your inspirational words every day. Happy Friday :)

marie said...

I love this!!!! I appreciate your honesty so much and could have written so many of those same exact words. We live on one income, don't vacation, have 1 car, I have no cell phone etc. It's a struggle but we live off needs, not wants in this household.

I look forward to hearing more of your story in the future.

Kristen {a little ditty} said...

Great honest and inspiring post, Hanna! I've been having a hard time too after losing someone that was close to me and just this week I thought of that quote as well "God never gives us more than we can handle." Sometimes that keeps me going. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tough time, but you have such an awesome attitude about things that I know everything will turn around for you soon. And how awesome is it to put negative energy or anger, sadness, etc. into something so good for you, like running! Just keep fighting on and good things will come!

Susan said...

You are amazing. I don't know how you do it.
I agree with you. We're all stressed, always in a rush...and so many I know feed their kids garbage on a daily basis because it's quick and easy.
Precisely why we need more people like you! To share these thoughts and those fabulous recipes!!
You make it look easy.
Love ya. xo

Lindsay said...

LOVE those red pants!! SO CUTE on you!

Cheyla Marie said...

You go girl!! :)

Karly said...

Hanna, you harness such amazing inner strength. You should never feel like a crazy person, because the crazy people are the ones not getting up and out to find a way to the light at the end of the tunnel. Your spirit is such a wonderful, bright light, love ya.

Christy said...

Well stated. Thanks for your positivity. Inspiring and motivating! And I'm with you on the running. It is the BEST,

Char said...

Hanna, I must stop by to say hi. I keep up with your blog regularly, more so than posting my own blog updates! And I wanted to say how much of an inspiration you have been to me. I hope you know how much you've touched mine and I'm sure others' lives. Keep your head up. You are a very strong woman and have such great goals in life :) Thanks for sharing your life with all of us!

Jen@ADropintheBucket said...

I feel like you could have taken these words straight from my mind... the seasons and depression during winter months. the want for a life like Europeans live. I saw the comment above by someone in Germany, and while she is probably right, I am LIVING in Europe and not living enough like a European.. It is amazing how what you grow up with (life in the U.S.) shapes you. And it is hard to change, even though I am trying. Oh, and the running. With starting to exercise, (and eating right, etc.) my mood has changed so much. Thanks for your words. I am so glad I found your blog!


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