REAL Honesty, The Kind I Don't Want to Talk About

The past week has been a HUGE roller coaster of emotions for me!!!!!!!!! 

*Financial times worsen.
*I find out I'm pregnant (wonderful news). However, no one really seems to care. I'm trying not to be a drama queen but several close family members did't even say congratulations. ???????
*I miss my family more than ever.
*I feel alone. I thinkI might have one REAL friend.
* I have my 5 year wedding anniversary (wonderful news).
*Pure bliss excitement is shattered to find out my leg is still broken. I cannot run!!!!!
*I still have not found another job although I have been trying desperately. 
*It feels like day by day I am sinking a little deeper.

But don't worry. I FIGHT. I ALWAYS FIGHT hard and I will never let life get me so far down I can't get up but my reality right now is hard. 

My rock bottom has been MUCH, MUCH worse than this could ever be but it doesn't mean it's  not hard!

The face you see is SCARED OUT OF MY MIND FACE!!!!!!!
I know normally I'm so smiley. I don't know what's happening but I always feel better when I talk about it.

Our financial situation has always been tight. My husband lost his job right before Christmas last year and since them I have been the sole provider. It is not enough for a mortgage, all the bills, food and 2 kids. My mother has to pay our mortgage about every 3 months because it's 2 months behind and we're drowning.

She has enough problems of her own and I feel like I really let her down as a daughter having to ask for that type of thing.

*We are declaring bankruptcy and have been trying to for 6 months but haven't been able to pay the $1600 fee in full yet.
*We have no cell phones, neither of us and haven't in 8 months. One land line that I can't even work
* We have NO CABLE TV
*We shop at Sam's Club because we have to ( I would much rather support local farmers/growers/markets)
* Lots of times we have to empty the change jar to buy food or diapers.
* We only have one car. It is paid off. It is a 1995, that's 16 years old. It has no front end and breaks down more than a few times a year. WE cannot travel outside of the city with it and when the third baby arrives it won't fit in it! Isn't that interesting?


I am extremely grateful that we are able to have a roof over our children's heads. I am extremely grateful to have a mother who will  help me if it gets REALLY bad. God bless her. I am extremely grateful to even have a job at all and we do have health insurance even though it doesn't pay for much! 
I am extremely grateful that my kids always have food but I will tell you what I am scared out of my mind most days. I don't sleep. Everyday I look at the Phone praying another job calls. I am extremely grateful that my children have a parent to raise them rather than some random stranger.

Your probably wondering where do all those cute clothes she wears  come from? years and years ago when I had 7 credit cards and got myself into thousands and thousands of dollars of debt that I now cannot pay!. That's where the bulk of all my nice stuff came from.

My kids and my husband pretty much wear only hand me downs or our dear dear family members buy the kids clothes for us. My sister in law Schanda buys almost all of them. God bless her! And my husband's father sends a small check every month to help with groceries too but if I told you  how much money I made you'd probably laugh! 
I make less than half of what I  made as an RN in new York City. It's pretty pathetic.

If I wasn't married and didn't have kids I would run. 
I would move. 
That's what I used to do every time things got rough for me. None of us are perfect and we all have our ways of dealing with things and their not always healthy ways!

Santa Barbara 1997
Denver 1999
Las Vegas 2000
Australia 2001
Albuquerque 2002
New Orleans 2004
Santa Fe 2005
New York City 2008
Santa Fe 2009

SEE THE PATTERN?????????????? I'm not THAT old!

It you do not have anything nice to say to me right now I suggest you don't say anything at all. 

My blog always has been all about compete and total honest truth, no matter what it is and being grateful for what you have. This post is on the darker side but I assure you my friends it's me, just me scared out of my mind. 

I'll be back to normal in no time! Thank you for listening!

For now, I am focusing on that little baby inside me and getting quads like steel beams!!!!!!! 


1.5 mile run 10 min/mile
2 mile walk pushing 30 pounds and carrying 20 pounds
5 squats with Ginger on my back. ACK!! almost died
6 reps of 15 quad presses at 60 pounds
45 minuets on the strairmaster

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Karly Gomez said...

You are so strong, you will make it through this. My family is in a very very similar situation. Our van got repossessed, my little car was towed because the registration was expired and is gone for good. We now drive a 98 (I think) Chevy Suburban with no AC in dreadful Phoenix, AZ, heat. We've almost been evicted like three or four times, and family is always bailing us out. No cable TV here, just internet so I can run my business. Rudy is still in school and working nights at a restaurant that is so slow right now. Ugh.

So I know where you are coming from. I used to run too. But now we have to fight, because one day things will get better. Because we are good people and because we deserve it. You deserve it. You're Hanna, you rock!

runnergirl said...

I love your honesty and your strength. Hang in there, God has a plan and He is always looking out for us. Sending up some prayers for you and your beautiful family xxx

songbyrd on the mountain said...

Hanna, you are not alone. I know that may not make any difference, but it always helps me somehow to know I am not the only person struggling. Whether it's an emotional crisis or a financial crisis or both, it just always gives me some encouragement to know someone else out there knows and understands and relates to what i am going through.I think I have shared that for almost 2 years my husband had no steady income. We almost lost our home, we applied for food stamps and were turned down and we only got through each month by the grace of God.Yet in all that never had I felt so loved. I felt God so close to me in all of that. We chose to cling to God like never before. We chose to say we'd still praise Him regardless of what happens in our lives. God has been faithful. We are still struggling to get back on steady ground but we have learned to keep putting God first in all things. Praying for you Hanna. Don't lose hope. Look UP.

Amy said...

Hanna, I cannot tell you how much your honesty is appreciated. Life can be so, so tough. But you inspire me to always keep a good attitude and FIGHT. You are amazing, and I just know that you will get through this. God bless the fact that you are willing to put a voice and a face to the hard times that so many people are facing. Praying for you Hanna!!

Melanie said...

god has you!

Irish Carter of Dedicated 2 LIFE said...

Wishing you the best during this challenging time. It's absulutely ok to be down at times. Sometimes, it when we fall down when we are able to get back up stronger and more determined. Regardless, I wish you this....peace and happiness. Keep hope and faith my dear.


SueAnn Lommler said...

You have my prayers sweet friend. Though we have never met in person...I feel we are friends. So you are not alone. Many of us are cheering for you...pulling for you. Loving you and your little family. I just feel some good things are right around the corner for both of you!!
Hang in there and try not to panic.
Hugging you

Brittany Campbell said...

I can't believe your perseverance and strength to endure. You are a mom that your little children are and will be so proud of because you are such a strong woman who is fighting for them! Congratulations on the new addition. I know that is pretty scary right now but I know you will come out on the other side. Keep up your strength and know that there are so many people (even if we've never met!) who are rooting and here for you. Stay strong!!

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Hanna! A new baby, a loving husband and two children, a caring/helping Mother, a persevering spirit--you are blessed. Your post is blazingly honest and heartfelt. You are so real and relevant. Keep on keeping on. We are cheering for you.

SaraRN said...

Hanna, I love you dearly and I wish I lived closer! I can empathize with you so well. Keep praying and we will be praying for you! I will pm later.

Emily Baker said...

Keep your chin up Hanna. Your strength inspires me!!!

Jolene said...

Its hard being truthful, yet, there is healing in the telling of the truth.

I've been down your road and the worst thing I did was file bankruptcy. It was a mistake that I wish I had not done...the big difference came with being debt free (by paying back the debts) thanks to Dave Ramsey's wisdom.

We didn't have a DIME to spare, at all...but somehow once we started tithing the full 10% off gross (not net) income and using the envelope system we had enough to start slowly paying back our debts....we're talking tens of thousands of dollars and now we're debt free.

We were able to reach a settlement with a few larger ones and each year that passed there were fewer and fewer debts. Living on one income from 2006, indefinitely. Its not easy but I wish I had taken this route first instead of filing bankruptcy first.

I'm not bashing or belittling just saying that I have been in your shoes (including the stress fracture!) and in the end the right thing to do was pay back my debts and get debt free the Dave Ramsey way...

Praying for you all!

Miss Traci said...

a little over a month ago, my fiance was given a bunch of extra shifts each week at his work. a week ago, they hired a new person. friday, they told him they no longer needed him to cover those hours he'd been working so hard at over the last month. right now, my parents cover at least half of our bills, because we're not married, but when we do get married, they won't be supporting us anymore...and with this latest blow i'm really scared about our future. but reading what you've been through, what you've been going through, has helped me to see that i am strong enough to make it through this. you're not alone Hanna! *i'm sending all possible good vibes to you in hopes of finding another money making job!!*

stephanie said...

love you hanna, praying for you. you're one of the strongest people i know! you will get through this. you WILL!

SuzyQpon said...

Have you (or your husband more likely since he's at home right now) considered using coupons and doing a firm budget - most likely an all cash budget? I mean this 100% in an attempt to help - please don't think I'm bashing! I too have been buried in debt before! There are a lot of websites/blogs dedicated to living a frugal lifestyle. I know you are probably thinking that coupons are only for junk food and a lot of them are but not all. I get coupons for organic milk/butter/eggs, organic cereals, Kashi products, etc. Combined with sales, we really save a lot. I'm not going to lie - there is a learning curve and it takes some dedication and time but not as much as you might think. I work FT, have 2 kids, a husband with Lupus (meaning he is exhausted and barely makes it through most days so I am basically a single parent) and have to run a household. Believe me, there are weeks when I just want to go to the store sans coupons and not worry about how much I pay but I get off my butt and clip, organize and match my coupons with the weekly sales ads. We spend almost nothing on toiletries by playing the "drugstore game," I generally save about $100/wk in sales/coupons @ the grocery store and we are fully stocked + my husband and I have been able to pay off all our debts including our mortgage. Even if you file bankruptcy, which may truly be your only option, you need to have a budget that you are going to stick with moving forward. If you are interested, check out these sites: and feel free to email me with questions! It's not just about coupons - it's a whole way of life and it's very freeing! I joke that my son has never worn a full price diaper! Keep your chin up!!!

Kelly said...

praying for you.

Summer said...

Your family might not say it, but we here in the blogosphere will... Congratulations on the new baby!! It will get better & you have many many people praying for you!!! Sending prayers & love your way!

Lindsay said...

Keep your head up girl! Family is a strange thing want their approval but sometimes (Ive found) you get to the point where you don't need their approval.... :) BIG hugs your way. Love you!

lovejoy_31 said...

So sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. I will be praying.

Kristina said...

Oh Hanna, I am so very sorry that you have to endure all of this. I really don't know what to say other than the strength and love you show for your family will pay off. I hope it is soon!!!! I have recently been at my lowest. Some days I want to run away but I really want to run away from myself. Life can be so difficult sometimes but I just hope and pray it gets better. For you and me!

ADE ACE Mom said...

Thinking of you. Please know you are not alone.

Melissa Jo said...

Praying for you and your family to find the strength to make it through. I know that you are an amazing woman I've seen you do the impossible and find joy in the simple things. You will get through this and you will be better for it!

Jennie said...

Oh my goodness... Your kids are lucky they have such a strong mama. I really hope that your finances balance out more comfortably soon. Thinking of you!

Heather said...

Hanna, you are amazing. I love your blog. I really feel like I know you and that we are friends. Or at least that we would be friends if I actually knew you in real life. You are someone I truly admire.

Reading your words just broke my heart. You are such a good person and I know you love your kids and family so much! You deserve the world!! I hate to see good--or rather, great people suffer. My thoughts are with you and I want more than anything for everything to work out for your and ours.

I can't make any big promises but I would love to help you out in some small way. Please, please, please send me an email and let me know what you need!

Heather xo

Yo Momma Runs said...

I was just a few days ago shredding the papers where I had taken all the notes on what to do because we had a house that would not sell in Florida (we now live in AL) and couldn't afford the payments anymore. It was so scary, and I cried every day over it. The stress felt so overwhelming. Looking back at those papers reminded me of all that stress and pressure. I'm praying for you that doors will be opened. I know I'm not your real-life friend, but I've gained a lot of respect your you in e-life. And I'm so sorry about your leg. So frustrating!

Mendi said...

Please know that there are people who care a great deal about you and while we might all be your "internet" friends we are still here for you! So appreciate your honesty.

I have no grand advice but you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Kendra said...

I'm sorry you're in dire straits. You and your family are in my thoughts. Your little family doesn't need grand things...just love. And you are doing that!

Char said...

Congrats again, because we (fellow bloggers & readers) care about you, just so you know that! We are happy for you and your family in this next chapter in your lives. Times are tough and we all know how it goes (most of us) and you are not alone. It is OK to have a negative/honest/truthful post, it's your blog after all! I feel like its good to get it out there too, off your chest/shoulders. Reach out to any of us, I'm sure we'll be here for you :) Consider us family!

Kel said...

Hi Hanna,
I'm sorry things are so difficult right now but know that we in the blogosphere all think your news of a new bubba is WONDERFUL and we're looking forward to reading all about that journey :-D
I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a truthful post, regardless of the tone, because that's what keeps us all grounded. Life isn't perfect and to write a blog as such would simply be trying to live a fantasy that is impossible! Unless you're a famous movie star, and even then all the money in the world can't buy you happiness or love - and those are 2 things you have in abundance with your wonderful and expanding family :-)
Know that I'm thinking of you and hoping a better paying job and improvement all round is just around the corner for you. xx

Danielle Simmons said...

I just wanted to offer hugs and prayers!! And if you're interested, I have clothes and pull ups I could send your way (if you use pull ups) that my son is no longer using. Email me.... simmworksfamily (at)

Danielle Simmons said...

Oh... and CONGRATS on the pregnancy!!! Any pregnancy/new life is a blessing and wonderful news.

lugarandcompany said...

Look at alllll of us who care about you! You are going to make it through this! You may want to visit the Lov'n Deep category on my blog for some heartfelt encouragement on suffering. You hang in there for He loves you more than you can imagine!

Melissa said...

Hang in there! Im sending prayers and hugs! =)

Susan said...

I read your post. And then I read all of the comments above. You are so loved and as far as I can see have tons of friends (including me!) that are rooting and praying for you.
What can I do to help? Seriously Hanna. Huge hugs.

Val said...

I'm been on vacation and have missed so many of your posts. I'd like to congratulate you on your pregnancy...such awesome news. This post made me want to reach through the screen and give my friend an hug. Your honesty is amazing and powerful. You are such an incredibly strong woman and I admire you. Sending you positive energy and I wish the very best for you and your family. If you ever need a friend I'm here for YOU.

Wegan said...

Firstly- congratulations on your pregnancy!!! :)

I'm SO sorry times are tough right now but you have a loving husband, children and parents who clearly would never let anything happen to you :)

Hope you hear about a job soon!!

M x


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