I'm not sure what to say. I have been VERY, VERY sick with this pregnancy. It seems to come and go but when ti comes it's completely debilitating. This morning I practically had to crawl to the kitchen to get my husband for help because I knew he would never come back into the bedroom because he would want to let me sleep but I was weak,dizzy, sick and I needed food and water and I had no way to reach him. It was not fun. Life is just hard right now, really hard and I always wanted to be honest but optimistic and I don't feel that way these days and I don;t want to portrait something that's not me or not true.
So, creating blog posts has been VERY challenging for me. For example I Will start to cook something fabulous and half way through have to go to bed and it never gets done or I will have an outfit all picked out to wear and photograph and it never gets put on.
Or even worse my running clothes will sit on the bathroom counter for 5 days just waiting for a day for me to feel well enough to run. When I do run I feel SOOOOO HEAVY. I mean I literally feel like I am dragging a 50 pound sack of potatoes. IT"S HARD. I never get that runner;s high anymore and I never get that "flying" feeling anymore. BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure what I'm saying but I may be slowing down a bit. You never know with this second trimester, supposed honeymoon period I should be getting a whole bunch of energy so maybe I'll be a racing like Yasso and cooking like Martha. I don't know but what I do know is that I needed to give you an update because i am seriously struggling to get posts done.
I have also talked openly about depression on my blog and when I got pregnant I stopped taking my medication so my moods are variable at best. I just have no energy, no get up and go, no ambition to do anything. In fact I would really just like to stay in bed ALL DAY LONG. I can hardly work which is going to be a HUGE problem here pretty quickly. I have managed to get in about 20 miles a week running but that's out of shear FORCE and I mean I have to rip my eye balls out to get out that door. And I have decided to stop that and only go if I really want to. There's always time to run after the baby comes.
I know I will be fine once the baby comes out but that's a long ways away and I'm scared. I'm scared I don't know how I'm going to make it that far.
I also am having a really hard time with loneliness. I always feel really lonely when I'm pregnant. I feel like no one understands and to be honest 90% of my friends don't because they don't have kids. I don't exactly feel like calling them up while their at the tapas bar or at the beach and sobbing on the phone about my screaming toddlers or non stop vomiting.
I don't want to bitch or sound ungrateful at all. We planned this third baby and I am and will be so happy once he or she arrives but somehow this is the hardest pregnancy I have had to face yet. With that said I feel very blessed and am very happy to have this little soul no matter what happens.
WE WANTED THIS!!!! WE PLANNED THIS AND I KNOW I WILL NEVER, EVER REGRET THIS.
Because when I'm 50 I'll be free to travel and make money and buy new houses and go to tapas bars and the beach and all that stuff I'm missing out on right now but it's a long ways away and sometimes it's hard to See the light. Not to mention we will have THREE magnificent, beautiful children to show for it!
God is so good.
So, in closing I want to let you know I am going to be taking a break from the blog for now. I am sure you will still see me around commenting on yours but I just don't have it in me right now to juggle this plus my family and my job. It could be a week, it could be a year. I really don't know but I want to thank each and every one of you for reading as long as you have. I poured my heart and soul into this little blog (tears streaming as I type) but honestly it has become more of a burden than a joy and I never wanted that. This was for me, for me to share my life, my feelings, my recipes, my goals, my achievements, my failures and whatever else struck my fancy and for quiet a few months now it has been a big struggle for me.
I want to thank you for getting to know my family and all the dear, dear friends I have made here who I hope to meet one day. Thank you for all you support in every way you've given it. You've given me a lot and I am eternally grateful!
Be well my beautiful friends!
(the giveaway will still be carried out as normal. no worries)