It's Not Too Late to Change

I am sure you have noticed a theme with  my pregnancy posts lately or just my mood in general lately, 

I'm depressed. I'm lonely, I'm unhappy. 

I don't feel like I have anything for myself and I feel bad about myself. 

I went from working out and or running 2 hours a day 5 days a week to walking the kids in the stroller a few times a week. HUGE DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!! 

I was relying on those endorphins and that stress relief for my sanity which I have clearly now lost.
It's not surprising if you think about it. 

I stopped working out intensely. I stopping taking my anti depressants medication that I have been on for years because I didn't want to harm the sweet baby and I started eating sugar and bread which I never ate before but I thought for the health of the baby it was necessary. 

Think again!!! Time to re-evaluate because excuse my French but I feel like CRAP!


It is SOOOOO easy to fall into #1 The pregnancy "I can eat whatever I want, I'm eating for two, I'm pregnant trap" and it is just as easy to fall into the "I'm training for a marathon and I run a million miles a week so I can eat whatever I want trap too" 

SADLY NEITHER ARE CORRECT OR HEALTHY!!!!!!!!

I've gained 20+ pounds in 18 weeks and I am MISERABLE. 
I feel like I can barley move. My body parts actually hurt because they have been stretched so quickly.

I tried to go on a run the other day and literally could NOT even clasp my sports bra. I ran a 10 K 2 weeks ago?????

I was a size 4 when I got pregnant and now who knows probably a size 14. It happened QUICK and I mean QUICK!!!!!!!

I don't think it's too late to reverse it or at least stop it in it's tracks!!!!! 


Today I am going to get onto the gym's website and get myself into some spin classes and do some elliptical (my favorite, I joke, I think it's the most boring machine on the face of the earth)

All I know is that I am  miserable all of a sudden. I feel really bad about myself. I miss running so bad it hurts inside. Running made me feel on top of the world. It cured everything. 

IT WAS MINE.  IN FACT IT WAS THE ONLY THING IN THIS WORLD THAT WAS MINE AND NO ONE COULD TAKE FROM ME.

It made me whole and now I just feel huge and empty.


I KNOW I will  loose all the baby weight and probably more after the baby is born because that's just how motivated I am but for right now I need motivation. Somehow pregnancy has taken that from me. The sickness, the nausea, the dizziness, the weight....UGH!!!!!

I don't know where it's gone but it's gone and I feel really lonely and yucky and sad and it really doesn't help to have every Tom, Dick and Harry telling me how fat I  am every 5 seconds. 
As if I am not aware of it already? It's my body, remember???
SO I hope you will support me in my quest to become a healthier preggo. 

Working out as many days as I can, no more sugar (BOOOO HOOOOO....You can hear me crying all the way in China) and not too much bread either (another SOB) 

Sometimes reality sucks! 


I'll do weekly posts to let you know how it goes but as of today a MAJOR change has begun. Hopefully to a happier and healthier me

I hope you all have a blessed Sunday!



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14 comments:

tiltthem said...

You might have a fragile soul, but don't underestimate your strong spirit.

I hope you will find a way to keep up the mood.

Miss Traci said...

It is very brave to share your true feelings on the internet for anyone to see. It's very hard to remember when looking at your weight gain to remember that you're also carrying a precious child inside of you and that the weight will go away when your little bundle is born, especially as you'll be able to do more exercise once you're done being pregnant. I admire your courage and your strength. Remember, you're not alone in this and there are tons of us rooting for you though we've never met in person. :)

suziequzie said...

you look beautiful and healthy-and good for you for deciding to make changes during the remainder of the pregnancy to make yourself feel better:)

Hopeful Hummingbird said...

I'm sorry you are feeling low. You look beautiful. Have you thought about trying swimming? I think you were doing that some before your pregnancy. It might feel good! Best wishes.

Kristin said...

All my love and warm wishes, as always, Hanna. I'm thinking of you. I trust you will accomplish what YOU set out to do.

Also as always, still inspired.
Kristin
XOXO

P.S. I'm drinking Click every morning, thanks to you. ;) With all my health issues lately (abdominal abscess, c-diff, multiple surgeries, etc.), I was falling into the trap of "I can eat whatever, whenever...I've earned it!" or "Who cares? I'm SICK!" Neither of which is healthy or correct.

fancy nancy said...

Oh I wish I could give you a big hug!! I know how you are feeling...and it sucks!! You do look beautiful and you are right...you can always stop it in its tracks! Especially you!!!

Lindsay said...

Hang in there momma. This is a transitional time and SO HARD! I remember... Praying for you!

Elizabeth said...

You. Are. Awesome.
And brave. And gonna look back and see how much stronger and happier and successful each step of this journey of life has made you. God is working wonderful things. Thanks for sharing with us, your honest struggles, joys and triumphs. I'm crying, laughing, sighing, winning and loosing with you in spirit. :)
The Lord Bless You!

SueAnn Lommler said...

I don't think it was a good idea to stop taking your antidepressents...it is for your chemical imbalance. Just saying! I too take them and I remember the doc telling me this. So you may want to reconsider this move.
You can stop this in it's tracks...love yourself in new ways. You can do it
Hugging you
SueAnn

Amy said...

I know how you feel :( With my stress fracture, I haven't been able to do any cardio for the last month and have got 2 more weeks to go. Haven't stepped on a scale, but I can just feel the weight that I've gained. I know when I get the boot off, I will get back into my work out routine. But it's just so hard not being able to do something you like (and that makes you feel good about yourself!!).

Love your attitude as always girl, I know you'll power through this and I can't wait to watch :)

melody-mae said...

Sweetie,
I imagine after all that hard work to gain weight again is very depressing. I had an eating disorder between my first and second daughter...bulimic/anorexia and I did NOT want to let myself gain weight with my second daughter...it was hard for me. Even though that has been 28 years ago, it was real and so even though I cannot fully understand exactly what you are going through, just know that I hope and I pray that you will be able to find 'yourself' again and find a happy medium for eating/exercising/weight gain/ while you are pregnant and wishing you happiness and a healthy babe as well!!! I am here if you need me, only an email away. :)

Susan said...

I hate that you are feeling this way. :(
You look amazing Hanna. Seriously!

stephanie said...

love you girlie!

Heather said...

If we didn't live thousands of miles apart and not actually know each other in real life, I would run to you and give you a big hug! You are so wonderful!

You're right that it's never too late to change. I work on that every day myself. Always striving to be better than we are. And that's good! But don't let it get you down.

You have already sacrificed so much for this baby, keep up the good work and do what you know is right!

xoxox

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