A few days ago my husband had a very scary episode where we didn't know what was wrong with him. It's not the first time it's happened and I was terrified, mortified, wanted to scream and cry and ask God, "WHY?" Why now? Why him? Why our family?
But I didn't.
I function very well under extreme circumstance. I almost never "Loose it". I think I was already wired that way to begin with but my training as a critical care nurse has just reinforced it.
So I stay extremely calm. I ask slow, calculated questions, I try to piece the puzzle together to get the answer without getting emotional about it.
But as a wife, I need to emotionally support my husband. He needs love, tenderness, touch. Everyone does, especially when they are scared, terrified, anxiety ridden.
Growing up I had a very loving family but not necessarily in a touchy way. Sure I gave a hug here and there but not constant, "I love you's" and smothering which is personally how I treat my kids.
I don't think wither way is wrong or right. You parent, how you parent but I never want my kids to have one shadow of doubt for a split second that I didn't love them over the moon and back. I am constantly telling them I love you, probably 20 times a day, kissing them, holding them as long as they need or want. I don't want them EVER to question how much I love them because I love them with every ounce I have, every cell in my body, every molecule I am made of was meant for them.
Naturally, in relationships I am not needy.
I don't need a lot of tenderness or consoling. Whatever the situation might be I take it on head first and solve it alone.
I don't get emotional, I just get it done.
I have always been very self sufficient, very independent. I can change my own oil and
4 tires in a blink of an eye. I take care of my own business. I handle it, no matter how hard it is. Yes, maybe it's a good quality, maybe it's not but what I do know is that I would like to be more affectionate with my husband.
I love my husband with all my heart. We have been best friends for 17 years and lovers for 10. He is my best friend, I can talk to him about ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING. I know he would NEVER judge me and I am completely comfortable with him in every way. He is my rock, my guy, my buddy, my lover, my everything. I honestly can't imagine a day without him by my side or seeing his shining face.
But why aren't I more affectionate with him? I don't know. I am not affectionate like that with ANYONE!
I think growing up and in my early teens or twenties I got very guarded, not letting anyone in and I have always had a hard time with affection with significant others.
However, My children, I smother!!!!!
My husband deserves more. He deserves to be smothered if he wants to. He deserves to be kissed and hugged all day long, He deserves to have me grab his hand at every outing if he wants me to.
I know I am not perfect and I am working on it. Over the past few days I have realized the real importance of it. I may not be here forever, He may not be here forever and we only really have this moment right now to let each other know how much we love each other so don't wait.
Say I love you. Hug, Kiss, Hold Hands.
SHOW YOUR AFFECTION. SHOW YOUR LOVE. IT MIGHT BE YOUR ONLY CHANCE.