It's been quiet a while since I have been able to blog. I missed it but I have some good reasons for my absence. 

First off I'll show you some photos of the big kids new room because I promised I would. These aren't the best pics in the bright early morning light and I made no special arrangements to tidy up their beds or put the throw pillows in place as I just didn't have it in me but none the less I did manage to get their room almost finished and I snapped a few pics for you. 

So here you go.

Life Update:

Yes, I've been gone about 2 weeks I think. I suppose this is the longest absence I've taken from this blog in 3 years. 

I have taken these weeks to do what was best for me and my family. I did a lot of past reading on this blog to reflect as a diary and I have done a lot of reading of other blogs even though I wasn't totally present here to find inspiration again. 

Basically long story short I finally had that nervous breakdown I was threatening to have for 6 months. Yes, not pretty, not fun, scary for me and I'm sure my husband but non the less, unavoidable. We're all just struggling along doing the best we can in life and this breakdown was the best I could I do at the time.  

You might know that I have struggled with depression pretty much my entire adult life. I've been in therapy since my early 20's and on and off anti-depressants for about 8  years. I have always meant to write a post dedicated to this subject alone but never got around to it. 

Last week my depression and anxiety came to a head leaving me in bed for 3 days straight with no sleep and debilitating anxiety.  I finally made it to the Psychiatrist after a few days and started to feel a bit better.  I would say this is one of the worst breakdowns I have had. I had a few back in college that left me bed ridden for days at a time and even had to drop out of school before so I am no stranger to these attacks. They happen. Life happens. You move on. I wanted to be honest with you and myself so that's why I am telling you my story. I don't think depression and anxiety are anything to be ashamed of. It is a disorder that needs medical attention just as any other illness does and strongly recommend seeing a professional if you are struggling. It's not anyone's fault. Some of us have a chemical imbalance and that's okay. It is what it is. 

There are some life circumstances that lead up to this but this had been a long time coming. I stopped running meaning I stopped getting TONS of theraputic endorfins, I got pregnant so hello hormones, I stopped taking my anti-depressant which I have with every pregnancy, I started gaining weight, we started having more and more financial issues, I started not being able to work due to morning sickness, we started having other family health scares which are still unresolved, our bank account was hacked a few weeks ago an dwe lost about $1000 dollars, it's the holidays and I currently have 2 sick toddlers at home with 102 fevers. I guess that sums up the major points. 

As I read back through my posts from June until now I can see I was a train wreck waiting to happen. So I am relieved that the worst of it is over and I can try to move into a positive direction from now on. 

We are so lucky and grateful to have such a supportive family. My husband's family came in the middle of my breakdown and were nothing but loving and supportive and spoiled my kids with clothes and gifts. My mom and sister had us over for Thanksgiving at the tail end of the disaster and took care of everything. We are so so so grateful because I don't even want to think about where we would end up without all their support. 

So after a little reflection I am looking forward to moving into a positive direction from here. I am going to start cooking again since I am not running for the rest of my pregnancy. I'm  not sure what is going to happen to my job. It's looking like we will soon loose our insurance due to my multiple absences so I may go out on maternity leave early since I am having so many emotional and physical problems during this time. Because we make such  little money I can qualify for pregnancy related medicaid so at least the baby and I can continue to get good health care.

So I'm not sure how much I will be blogging from now on. I will as long as it is healthy for me and my family. I hope to start posting some recipes again soon as cooking holds such a dear spot in my heart. I thank you all for your support during this difficult time. Like I said earlier, we are all just struggling along in this life doing the best we can and this is my best. I will leave you with that. 
Be Well My friends!
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Kristen Alexis said...

Hanna you are a brave strong woman for putting your story out there. You will help more women than you know. I hope that puts a smile on your face, because you deserve it! There is always tomorrow and the sun will shine again and so will you my dear!!! Stay strong! :) I'm thinking of y'all!! ps. the big kids room is adorable!! I love the green walls!

m&msmommy said...

Praying for you my sweet friend!

Love and prayers,

P.S. The kids room looks absolutely precious! :)

Robyn Burke said...

again, Hanna, you are in my prayers. I too have walked that long scary hard road of depression and even though I was able to wean off my anti depressants a year ago, I do have my struggles still. It's not easy. it's overwhelming and winter and holidays and financial stress just make it that much so. But you are a fighter. You are courageous. You are strong. And when you can't fight any more, we have a God who fights for us. When you are afraid, God says 'be not afraid" and when you have no more strength, God says 'my grace is sufficient for you". <3 Hanna, rest in Him and find your peace.

Mary A. said...

Big Hugs!!

Depression & anxiety suck. I also suffer from them and you are right, they are just medical conditions and not something to be ashamed of.

They suck anyway.

Enjoy reading when you're up for writing.

And the kiddos' room?? Drool!

runnergirl said...

Wow, what a time for you and your family. Thanks for sharing, you will definitely be in my prayers and know that God is bigger than anything we ever face. Thinking of you and sending love and prayers! xx

Melissa said...

Im sending prayers for you to feel better very soon. =)
One day at a time..it will get better.

Your kids room is so cute! =)

Gina Toothe said...

i don't post on here very often, but i just had to this time around after reading your post!. You are so brave and wonderful to post about your breakdown. When you are as open and honest with people like this, you definetely touch others and help them in ways you don't even know about. Depression can still be a stigma these days. It is so important to get the word out that it is a disease like you said that some must unfortunately have to endure. You have the knowledge and experience to teach others from both a professional and personal view. There is help available and noone should be ashamed to seek it. My Mother suffered from it and i did also after the loss of my second baby. Please never give up the hope! i believe there will be a rainbow after this storm for you. Just think of that sweet baby you will soon meet. And also your other 2 beautiful little sweeties and your wonderful husband. Your family, inc. extended is what matters in life. May God bless you and bring you and yours many blessings this holiday season. You rock girl :)

Marissa said...

Sending lots of love your way. Continue to stay positive, and keep your head up. There are reasons for everything. It seems that you are being hit hard now, but there is ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel. Be well and hope you are able to cook up a storm. Looking forward to seeing some pictures.

icecreamtomarathon said...

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I've missed your blogging, but you need to do what's best for you right now. I'm praying for you. This too shall pass! xoxo

SueAnn Lommler said...

Hugging you Hanna...that and prayers too...I am glad you are getting help from various places. You rest and be well too

Sheila Lynn said...

Sending positive thoughts & prayers your way. You are such a brave woman for wanting to share your story with your followers. What a difficult time it must be. I'm sure none of us can really comprehend what you must be going through. But one day at a time. Things will get better! As you have mentioned, you do have a lot of support and people in your corner! :)
Ps. Love the kids room!!

Rita and John said...

I was just worrying that I hadn't seen a post from you. Thank you for your honesty. You and your family are in my prayers as you try to find the strength to get through. Thank goodness you have supportive family behind you! P.S. The kids' room looks absolutely beautiful!!!

Heather said...

I really value your honesty. Too many people try to hide what life is really like.

The kids' room looks great!!

Take care :)


Susan said...

Oh Hanna! I have been checking in and was a little worried when I didn't see a post for a bit. I am so sorry you are feeling like this but I must say, I relate. My anxiety was awful after having Ava. Worst ever. I am on a light dose of anxiety meds now and they are working wonders. You will get back to where you were! So many changes for you.

Elizabeth said...

You are a brave, strong, amazing woman!! The best is yet to come. Someday you will look back and this will all be just a memory, just a stone in the foundation of your wonderful life.
Keep pushing, keep loving life. Hang in there. May the Lord sustain you and bless you with an abundant sense of peace and joy.
love & prayers your way!

curiouscovetous said...

Hey friend,
I'm so sorry you are struggling... though it seems you're doing a bit better by your more recent posts! Just know that I am around anytime you want to chat! the kids' room is adorable!! Love you! XOXO

Shani Hursh said...

I just found your blog, just tonight. I loved the recap of your year and the pics you shared, but am so sorry about the anxiety and depression that creeped in recently.

I likely had depression starting in college but it wasn't until after my daughter was born that any of us (me, my husband at the time, my family) realized the extent of it. Pregnancy just brought it glaringly to light and it took me over 3 years to find meds that even kind of worked. Once I found something that sort of worked, my husband decided he was not happy and a drawn out divorce process started.

I believe my depression contributed to greatly to our divorce. He did not understand that I could not "talk myself out of" the depression, regardless of how many doctors told him otherwise.

Thank you for sharing your story. Your true understanding of yourself and depression are so important to your well being and to the strength of your support system ( which sounds amazing, by the way). I wish I had been a better advocate for myself but I was overwhelmed and trying to understand what was happening. I wish I had known as much as I do now and had the skills you do. You clearly know how to take care of yourself and that helps others take care of you too.

You are an inspiration and I wish you the best of health to you and the baby, and much peace, joy and love for you and your family in 2013!

Julie Marie said...

Oh hanna. thank you for sharing this with me. i have sooo been there. I actually started my blog, just working my way out of it, and it is still a very big long drawn out process. the way i see it, is it took time getting to that breaking point, it will take time recovering from it...I never even knew what depression was until i got myself in a bad situation, bad choices, plus throw a bad marriage, pregnancies, financial problems on it. I think i hit my lowest in the fall of 2010. since then i made a decision i wasnt' going to be THAT girl..I am thankful the worst of it seems to be over and the time leading up to it only lasted 2-ish years...and the climb out has been 2 years..so 4 years seems like an eternity, but compared to others i realize its not near as long. I know you can come out of this completely. trusting God with you, girl...for both of us.


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