Obviously I'm pregnant, very pregnant, 8 months to be exact.
Very hormonal, slightly crazy anyway and have 2 toddlers 13 months apart.
Recipe for disaster?
My biggest problem right now?
I don't even know where to begin but I know I AM FILLED WITH FEAR and I know
I MISS MY HUSBAND!!!!
FEAR? WHAT FEAR?
Well, it's more like, what's not to fear?
There are so many HUGE things in my life at the moment to fear that those aren't even the things I fear the most.
I fear that I am not a good enough mother. I fear that I won't be able to handle two toddlers and a new born. I fear I will loose my patience. I fear I will crumble in the face of chaos.
I fear most of all, I WILL LET MY CHILDREN DOWN; probably every mother's greatest fear.
Fear is an awful feeling, it's just sitting there waiting to pounce on my vulnerable state of mind at any moment. I feel like I have no weapons against it sometimes. It sneaks into my mind and I can't get it out. It come at night when I'm lying there unable to sleep and invades my mind.
Every time I am pregnant I am so moody that it's hard to be around me. I don't have much of a filter and the one I do have doesn't work very well.
I try so hard to be nice and loving and patient and all those good things that I know I need to be for my family but sometimes I just can't. I feel like I'm going to explode inside.
We are just about finished potty training little Milton which has been another added stress. The other day the two toddlers were going at it for hours on end and I raised my voice which I try really hard not to do and my son just put his hand on my thigh and said,
"It's Important to Love Mommy."
Well, of course this made me instantly cry my eyes out. What is wrong with me? What kind of mother am I?
A 3 year old with the wisdom of a 100 year old and knew just what to say to his poor mama obviously struggling to maintain any kind of grip at all.
None of us are perfect and I know I certainly am not but I think it's important to talk about it too.
Sometimes, I feel like maybe I'm the only mom in the entire world who struggles daily with patience; surely I am not but still, some days it feels that way!
And that brings me back to my husband. I know how important it is to show him love. Of course I love him. I love him with every single thing I am made of but I can't always show it. I'm not good at it when I'm pregnant, I try so hard every single day and sometimes I feel like a monster who should just hide in my cave until the baby comes out and I can feel normal again.
I can remember as a teenager this same scenario would happen with my mother and I. I would say something really nasty and hurtful to her and then immediately feel HORRIBLE about it. I'd go to my room ans cry and think, "what is wrong with me?" But still couldn't bring myself to tell her I was sorry and that I didn't mean it.
I have written countless posts about just how much I love that man.