REAL Honesty, The Kind I Don't Want to Talk About



The past week has been a HUGE roller coaster of emotions for me!!!!!!!!! 

*Financial times worsen.
*I find out I'm pregnant (wonderful news). However, no one really seems to care. I'm trying not to be a drama queen but several close family members did't even say congratulations. ???????
*I miss my family more than ever.
*I feel alone. I thinkI might have one REAL friend.
* I have my 5 year wedding anniversary (wonderful news).
*Pure bliss excitement is shattered to find out my leg is still broken. I cannot run!!!!!
*I still have not found another job although I have been trying desperately. 
*It feels like day by day I am sinking a little deeper.

But don't worry. I FIGHT. I ALWAYS FIGHT hard and I will never let life get me so far down I can't get up but my reality right now is hard. 

My rock bottom has been MUCH, MUCH worse than this could ever be but it doesn't mean it's  not hard!


The face you see is SCARED OUT OF MY MIND FACE!!!!!!!
I know normally I'm so smiley. I don't know what's happening but I always feel better when I talk about it.

Our financial situation has always been tight. My husband lost his job right before Christmas last year and since them I have been the sole provider. It is not enough for a mortgage, all the bills, food and 2 kids. My mother has to pay our mortgage about every 3 months because it's 2 months behind and we're drowning.

I HATE IT! 
She has enough problems of her own and I feel like I really let her down as a daughter having to ask for that type of thing.



*We are declaring bankruptcy and have been trying to for 6 months but haven't been able to pay the $1600 fee in full yet.
*We have no cell phones, neither of us and haven't in 8 months. One land line that I can't even work
* We have NO CABLE TV
*We shop at Sam's Club because we have to ( I would much rather support local farmers/growers/markets)
* Lots of times we have to empty the change jar to buy food or diapers.
* We only have one car. It is paid off. It is a 1995, that's 16 years old. It has no front end and breaks down more than a few times a year. WE cannot travel outside of the city with it and when the third baby arrives it won't fit in it! Isn't that interesting?

THAT'S THE REALITY! 

I am extremely grateful that we are able to have a roof over our children's heads. I am extremely grateful to have a mother who will  help me if it gets REALLY bad. God bless her. I am extremely grateful to even have a job at all and we do have health insurance even though it doesn't pay for much! 
I am extremely grateful that my kids always have food but I will tell you what I am scared out of my mind most days. I don't sleep. Everyday I look at the Phone praying another job calls. I am extremely grateful that my children have a parent to raise them rather than some random stranger.


Your probably wondering where do all those cute clothes she wears  come from? years and years ago when I had 7 credit cards and got myself into thousands and thousands of dollars of debt that I now cannot pay!. That's where the bulk of all my nice stuff came from.

My kids and my husband pretty much wear only hand me downs or our dear dear family members buy the kids clothes for us. My sister in law Schanda buys almost all of them. God bless her! And my husband's father sends a small check every month to help with groceries too but if I told you  how much money I made you'd probably laugh! 
I make less than half of what I  made as an RN in new York City. It's pretty pathetic.








If I wasn't married and didn't have kids I would run. 
I would move. 
That's what I used to do every time things got rough for me. None of us are perfect and we all have our ways of dealing with things and their not always healthy ways!

Santa Barbara 1997
Denver 1999
Las Vegas 2000
Australia 2001
Albuquerque 2002
New Orleans 2004
Santa Fe 2005
New York City 2008
Santa Fe 2009

SEE THE PATTERN?????????????? I'm not THAT old!



And PLEASE,  PLEASE,  PLEASE, 
It you do not have anything nice to say to me right now I suggest you don't say anything at all. 

My blog always has been all about compete and total honest truth, no matter what it is and being grateful for what you have. This post is on the darker side but I assure you my friends it's me, just me scared out of my mind. 

I'll be back to normal in no time! Thank you for listening!

For now, I am focusing on that little baby inside me and getting quads like steel beams!!!!!!! 


TODAY'S WORKOUT

1.5 mile run 10 min/mile
2 mile walk pushing 30 pounds and carrying 20 pounds
5 squats with Ginger on my back. ACK!! almost died
6 reps of 15 quad presses at 60 pounds
45 minuets on the strairmaster


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Nobody EVER Said Life was Going to be Easy

ANNIVERSARY DINNER

There was a wonderful little place on our honeymoon in Venice that we loved and this was one of the dishes we rely liked. It's jumbo shrimp fried with shoe string zucchini. My husband whipped it up for us last night since it was our anniversary! 

AT 6 this morning I decided to head out to the first track for a little run. I ran 1.5 miles and guess what???

Pretty darn sure my leg is still broken. 

I am so disappointed I want to cry but I won't. I'll be strong. I  am making an appointment with the acupuncturist ASAP and no more running for a few more weeks but I refuse to put that boot back on.

Sad doesn't even really begin to describe the feelings at this point but all I can do is hope and pray and work out every other way possible without hurting it more. 

I need to get my leg muscle back. I need quads of steel to support that poor little tibia!!!! 

I think I'm about to join Cross Fit! 
SERIOUSLY!!!

Well at any rate the squats will be more than abundant and so will the spinning!!!!

SUNRISE!

Have you tried these water bottles?

They are pretty awesome. They hold 20 ounces and rest in your palm. Surprisingly don;t bug at all. I could have run 20  miles it no prob!


Hope your Sunday is wonderful! I'm going to try to keep my little chin up!

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AWESOME Recovery Day


Here I am ready to roll!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Today I decided to up my game a little. I decided to run on the local DIRT track and do a spin class! 


Here's the dirt track. It's only half a mile away from my house and it's really quite nice. I can't wait for track days once I start training for Boston. I'll tear it up on that track!!!


I wore my Brooks Cadence shoes for over pronators on the minimal side ad LOVED them! Highly recommend but I bet they wear out fast if your doing high mileage!!!! 

I plan to only use my beloved Mizuno's for long runs!



One mile Done. 
10 min/mile pace. Not bad and I was takin' it REAL easy. I totally could have done a 9 min mile but caution, caution with my little leg. 
Anyway, VERY, VERY happy to be running again!!!!!


Oh my beloved Garmin who I missed dearly!!!!!! CLockin' right on target as usual!!!!!

Well then I had 45 min to kill before my spin class so I decided maybe just a little more mileage on the indoor track at GFCC. 
I did another .75 mile and decided I REALLY don't like in door tracks! 
Way too small, cramped, The curves kept cramping my stride. Won't run there again! 


20 Military push ups in the corner!!!! Even did some free weights and a machine for my quads. 

Gotta get um BIG!!!!!!!!!!! 


Finally time for spin class after some free weights!!!!!! Changing into my clip in shoes!!!!!


My spin class. Everybody gettin' ready!!!!

Well, you remember my spin teacher who looks like Elvis, he was there today and asked how difficult of a class we wanted, Of course like idiots we all chimed in "HARD 10 out of 10". SO I think he tried to kill us. 

We did 35 minuets of steep climb jumps STRAIGHT and then the rest of the time was sprinting!!! No I'm not kidding. Not one single break. 
JUMP. JUMP. JUMP. SPRINT. SPRINT. SPRINT.

OYE VEY!!!!! 


Seriously, just look at me!!!!! 

Ummmmm, SWEAT MUCH???????

Best recovery day so far! I feel like a milllion bucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post workout knosh...........giant veggie sandwhich on oat bread!!!!!!! and some green grapes!!!!!

YUMMERS

what do you like to recover with after your workout?

do you spin???? if not you NEED to because it's AWESOME!!!!!


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I LOVE You With my Whole Heart FOREVER


Today is my 5th year wedding anniversary to my husband!!!! 

Together 10, married 5 and forever more.
 I consider my husband and I to be a little bit "Old School" when it comes to marriage. 

We are in It for the long run. You have problems,  You work through them. We have no interest in EVER getting divorced. 

This is a glimpse of our wedding but if you would like to see my online photo album you may certainly click 

Every time I watch it I cry!





I just want to say how grateful I am today to have a good, honest supportive, loving husband at my side who takes immaculate care of our children and will satay by my side forever. 

I have not one doubt in my mind. I don't have any idea how I got so blessed to have found such a wonderful Southern gentleman but God is very good!!!!

Happy Anniversary Baby and here's to 80 more!!!!!!!!!



ME when I was 17 years old!!!! That's 17 years ago folks! Some thing are just meant to be!





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NEW GOALS



Already feeling better!!!!!!!!!! 

Just emailed a high school running coach who happens to have worked with my husband and hoping she can  help me with my goals. 

Whenever I set goals I feel better. I immediately start thinking about how I'm going to attain them

MY UPDATED GOAL:

#1. Keep in good shape throughout the pregnancy, running as much as is safe

#2. Keep weight gain to a minimum so I don;t have a lot to loose afterwords

#3. Start training ASAP after the baby in born

#4 Run the RnR New Orleans Marathon 2014 and qualify for Boston with the help of lots of reading and a coach!! 

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



SO, let the bad juju go away for the day and let me focus!!!!! FOCUS fixes me!!! Plus I emailed 2 more job prospects!!! 

It's going to be a great day!!!!!!! 
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worry



Today I had one of the best spin classes I've ever had. It was an hour and a half long of pure speed intervals and hill climbs. I haven't had that kind brutal workout in a long time and it felt really good!!!!! 

I came home in a really good mood.

Then my husband told me how much we had in our bank account and I almost threw up. I don't mean to keep bringing this up but I am stressed big time. I have been applying for other jobs that are day positions with higher pay but I am not having good luck and I am getting so frustrated!!!!! I am such a good worker. I don;t know why I am having a hard time! 

I know I have to keep my chin up and keep trying but it's really getting hard. It's like I see my husband's face and my children's faces looking at me , like Mommy what are we going to do? 

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I don't know what to do. 

We need to change our spending habits even if it's small things like Parmesan cheese. It's too expensive. We can't afford it! My husband and I both are not good at this and I'm scared! 



I need to change my ways. I need to try harder. I guess start doing overtime again! I will make it work. I will make it happen but I am just almost ready to give in and cry! 

I had a reader ask me as a vlog question why I decided to get pregnant while we were in such financial trouble. I know it seems like a very stupid thing to do but I'm 34 and I don't want to risk being a bit older. I know woman have babies all the time over the age of 35 or even 40 but it just wasn't for me and I wanted my kids close together so it was a combination of things that made us decide to have another baby. Yes, everyone keeps telling me, including all my friends, that that wasn't the smartest decision but it is what it is and for us it was the right think to do at the time! This is only a phase. It will get better and in a few years none of this will be even be a concern but for now I'm just struggling!

Sorry for the negative post. You know I hate that but these are my real feelings today and they had to come out! 

 And to be honest I'm scared!!!!!




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