One Moment at a Time

As I sit here tonight in front of my computer typing I can tell you that the only way I have been surviving is by living one moment at a time; not one day or one hour but one moment! 

The other things that I have been clinging to when my thoughts start to go to a dark place are HOPE and LOVE. 

We must have hope. Without it we wouldn't survive. I must let go and realize that none of this is really up to me anyway, I can try my best to be Good, to do the right thing, to be kind and loving to my children, to do my best at work, to be considerate to others but in the end it's not up to me.

So, as I sit in the face of adversity today I give it up to you universe, I give it to you to do what you will and I will wait patiently living one moment at a time, breathing in hope and love and praying that soon I shall find relief.

I have been through a lot in my short life and I know I can survive just about anything if I just live and breathe and be the best person I know how to be. 

I L*O*V*E this one..........this spoke to me as lately I have been crying daily and maybe just maybe it's because I was so strong for so long. 



I hope you are all healthy and happy and curled up in a warm place with people you love. Honestly..........tonight that is my wish. The best way to get outside of myself is to pray for the happiness and health of others. 
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Unconditional Love

There is nothing like unconditional love. There are very few people in this life that will love you this way; Love you through even the worst of times, when your at your ugliest, when there is no hope left, when all has been lost and you have nothing left to give in return. 

You should be so lucky to have even one of these people in your life. I am so blessed, I have a few. My mother, a few lifelong friends who I can count on no matter what and MY HUSBAND!!!! 

Some people get married or are in a relationship for years and "THINK" they have unconditional love coming from their partner but then when times get really bad the truth is revealed. So many people say "till death do us part" but they don't really mean it. 

Well, I have realized so many times in the 17 years I have known my husband that he is the real deal. He loves me so unconditionally it amazes me. I feel astonished that another human could be so good deep down in his soul. He committed his life to me and he meant every last vow. Till Death Parts Us. 

I have known this for years but every time there is a crisis I am astounded again and again by his support. I have had many a breakdown where he sat patiently at my side only listening and doing WHATEVER and I mean WHATEVER I needed him to do including bring me sustenance for days on end in bed, running from  hurricanes ulimately loosing our homes and everything we owned, getting another job because I had to leave mine, through death, family illness, through natural childbirth TWICE soon to be three times, school, overtime, undertime, watching the kids for days on end so I could recover. He has nursed me back to health with nourishment and love when I am sick mentally or physically time and time again. 

When I told him last week about my breakdown and that I wasn't sure I could go back to work at 6 1/2 months pregnant with this much physical illness and mental difficultly. He said even if we lost our house (which is our EVERYTHING) he would support me to the end. He would go to the ends of the earth with me; he would go anywhere with me. 

TEARS!!! 

In the face of all my problems I am so so so so blessed. Yes, times are looking very glum for me right now but I am beyond grateful for my husband. I am honestly in awe of how in the world God blessed me with such a wonderful man. How do I possibly deserve this?  A man who will stick by my side not just through thick and thin but through true tragedy, till the bitter end. 
I never in my whole life even knew that love like this existed. 

Thank you my love for showing me the true meaning of unconditional love. 


A LITTLE ABOUT OUR LOVE STORY!

My husband is a drummer by trade. It is his everything in life. He lives, eats and breathes music. Like running for me, there are certain "BELOVED, UNATTAINABLE" items that one is always seeking. 

One of those for my husband is a a "K Istanbul Cymbal" made in the 1960's or 1970's (I'm not too sure about the details) These cymbals were handmade, hand lathed in Turkey and there are only a limited number that exist. So basically a vintage, hand lathed cymbal made in Turkey, hard to find and very expensive. 

About 2 or 3 years into our courtship I had been hearing all about these cymbals for years already and I knew one day I would get him one. So one year for Christmas I decided that's just what I would do. I started looking on ebay, really the only market place for such a thing or at least that an inexperienced person such as myself would look. I looked for months and months and months to find the right size and the real deal. 

Mind you, I knew there should be a special "stamp" etc. but really didn't know exactly what I was doing. So when I found the one I wanted,  I placed a bid. I can remember feeling so sick to my stomach as soon as I hit that BID button. It was A LOT of money. I'm not even going to tell you how much now because any person in their right mind would have called me ABSOLUTELY INSANE and lets face it, I am. So for 5 days until that auction ended I was sick, on pins and needles. On one hand I wanted to win so badly but on the other hand I didn't know if it was real. What if I just spent a small fortune on something that was a fake?????? 

Ohhhhh the anxiety!!!! 

SO long story short, I WON the auction, the cymbal came and it was the real deal. Thank God. 

So I tricked my hubby by buying a nice hard carrying case for his cymbals, very carefully unwrapped it, placed the cymbal (the REAL gift inside) and carefully re boxed the case as if it was unopened and new. I wrapped it and gave it to him for Christmas. 

He opened it and was so happy to get the case. Of course he thought that was his gift. Of course I played along. Eventually he opened it and his eyes got a big as saucers. He looked at me very seriously and said "is that what I think it is??" 

And I said YES!! He was speechless. He immediately ran down the stairs and put it on his drum kit and hit it over and over again in all different spots checking out how it sounded. He loved it. He was floored. I was SO HAPPY!! 

mission accomplished!! 

Anyhow, to this day he will probably tell you it is the best gift he's ever gotten. When we ran from hurricane Katrina we only had our absolutely vital possessions like social security cards, our pets and a few clothes but guess what my husband had..............YUP THIS CYMBAL!!!! One of the few things to survive Katrina. 

So the whole point of the story!!!!!!
He loves that cymbal so much that we took it to our jeweler when we got engaged and had them hand lathe my husband's wedding ring into the exact same pattern of that Vintage, handmade cymbal I bought him so long ago! 

He hasn't taken it off since he married me! 

THE END! 

And that may have been the longest post I have ever written! Hope you made it to the end! 
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Update


It's been quiet a while since I have been able to blog. I missed it but I have some good reasons for my absence. 

First off I'll show you some photos of the big kids new room because I promised I would. These aren't the best pics in the bright early morning light and I made no special arrangements to tidy up their beds or put the throw pillows in place as I just didn't have it in me but none the less I did manage to get their room almost finished and I snapped a few pics for you. 

So here you go.

Life Update:

Yes, I've been gone about 2 weeks I think. I suppose this is the longest absence I've taken from this blog in 3 years. 

I have taken these weeks to do what was best for me and my family. I did a lot of past reading on this blog to reflect as a diary and I have done a lot of reading of other blogs even though I wasn't totally present here to find inspiration again. 

Basically long story short I finally had that nervous breakdown I was threatening to have for 6 months. Yes, not pretty, not fun, scary for me and I'm sure my husband but non the less, unavoidable. We're all just struggling along doing the best we can in life and this breakdown was the best I could I do at the time.  

You might know that I have struggled with depression pretty much my entire adult life. I've been in therapy since my early 20's and on and off anti-depressants for about 8  years. I have always meant to write a post dedicated to this subject alone but never got around to it. 

Last week my depression and anxiety came to a head leaving me in bed for 3 days straight with no sleep and debilitating anxiety.  I finally made it to the Psychiatrist after a few days and started to feel a bit better.  I would say this is one of the worst breakdowns I have had. I had a few back in college that left me bed ridden for days at a time and even had to drop out of school before so I am no stranger to these attacks. They happen. Life happens. You move on. I wanted to be honest with you and myself so that's why I am telling you my story. I don't think depression and anxiety are anything to be ashamed of. It is a disorder that needs medical attention just as any other illness does and strongly recommend seeing a professional if you are struggling. It's not anyone's fault. Some of us have a chemical imbalance and that's okay. It is what it is. 

There are some life circumstances that lead up to this but this had been a long time coming. I stopped running meaning I stopped getting TONS of theraputic endorfins, I got pregnant so hello hormones, I stopped taking my anti-depressant which I have with every pregnancy, I started gaining weight, we started having more and more financial issues, I started not being able to work due to morning sickness, we started having other family health scares which are still unresolved, our bank account was hacked a few weeks ago an dwe lost about $1000 dollars, it's the holidays and I currently have 2 sick toddlers at home with 102 fevers. I guess that sums up the major points. 

As I read back through my posts from June until now I can see I was a train wreck waiting to happen. So I am relieved that the worst of it is over and I can try to move into a positive direction from now on. 

We are so lucky and grateful to have such a supportive family. My husband's family came in the middle of my breakdown and were nothing but loving and supportive and spoiled my kids with clothes and gifts. My mom and sister had us over for Thanksgiving at the tail end of the disaster and took care of everything. We are so so so grateful because I don't even want to think about where we would end up without all their support. 

So after a little reflection I am looking forward to moving into a positive direction from here. I am going to start cooking again since I am not running for the rest of my pregnancy. I'm  not sure what is going to happen to my job. It's looking like we will soon loose our insurance due to my multiple absences so I may go out on maternity leave early since I am having so many emotional and physical problems during this time. Because we make such  little money I can qualify for pregnancy related medicaid so at least the baby and I can continue to get good health care.

So I'm not sure how much I will be blogging from now on. I will as long as it is healthy for me and my family. I hope to start posting some recipes again soon as cooking holds such a dear spot in my heart. I thank you all for your support during this difficult time. Like I said earlier, we are all just struggling along in this life doing the best we can and this is my best. I will leave you with that. 
Be Well My friends!
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Happenings





On Pregnancy:

I have gotten to the point in my pregnancy being 24 weeks  now that I am short of breath easily and haul my toddlers around isn't as easy as it used to me. I can still get up and down off the floor with no problem but I am sure that will be coming to an end soon. Bath time on my knees with both kids is already pretty exhausting.
I don;t think it matters how big I am when I first get pregnant, My body just wants to get HUGE! 
When I am 9 months I will barely be able to walk. No joke! 
My nausea and dizziness still comes and goes but seems to be getting a little better.
I have missed a lot of work but am so grateful my hubby has found 2 part time jobs so that takes A LOT of pressure off me. Grateful!


On Marriage:

I still feel sorry for my husband. I am still very moody and emotional. I really can;t help it and am hoping it will start to wayne soon. I try so hard to be level headed and somewhat normal but for some reason I am just VERY hormonal and have a hard time controlling myself. I am very excited to meet our new addition and very ready to not be pregnant anymore. I am so much more sane when I am not pregnant. I also can't wait to get to my running schedule.


Around The house:

A few days ago we went and picked out twin beds for the big kids that will delivered on Saturday. Then today we ventured out to Target and to DIllard's where we found an awesome 50% of sale on gorgeous beding that is PERFECT for the kids new room. 
I wanted something that wasn;t to "kid like" but also not boring and drab. So I found that amazing bright mixed pattern quilts and shams in different colors for each child but still coordinate at 1/2 off. I love that!!!!! 
I also think I am going to but a couple of those chinese lantern style lights to hang over the kids beds in coordinating colors. I'm really excited!!!! 


On Work:

BIG SIGH!!!! What can I say, it's not a good job for a pregnant person. Way too much stress, way too many hours on my feet. Soem weeks I make it and some weeks I don't. I'm  just trying to hang in there. 


On The Kids:

The kids are most definitely in the terrible toddler phase. Everyday I am amazed at how hard it has become. It literally happened overnight. 
So I am just trying so so so so hard to keep my patience and be gentle and kind even when they are screaming and hitting and fighting. It's pretty intense but I know this too shall pass. 

What I'm Wearing
Chambray Tunic: J Crew
Belt: La Mode Acessories
Sweater: J Crew
Boots: J Crew







Around Here:

Winter is officially here. We had our first snow of the season a few days ago. I cannot wait until it really starts coming down. I'm not necessarily a fan of the cold but I love the snow.


What We've Been Up to:

We took the kids on the marry-go-round as a fun family outing because they LOVE it. Poor Ginger always cries when she has to get off. We haven't gotten outside too much as it has been snowy and really cold but I am hoping for some more fun hikes and adventures very soon. 
Have a great day my friends! 
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3 babies in 3 years

I am 6 months pregnant with baby #3. 

It's kinda fun to see how the pregnancies varied. I actually don't see to much difference in my belly. I might be a tiny bit thinner on this last one than I was the first two but very, very similar. When this new baby pops out I will have had 3 babies in 3 years and 2 months. I suppose we are pretty busy. 

This week the big kids are getting new twin size beds and we are redecorating their new room a little bit and then I can move on to getting the new babies nursery in order. It is fun to redecorate. The big kids are really excited to be in new big kid beds too.

Sorry I have been MIA but I have been so behind since last week I was so sick for 2 days. Anyhow, I will update soon with pics of the kids new room. 
Happy weekend.
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I missed

*2 doctors visits
*a shopping trip for toddler beds
*food for 2 days
* 5 million errands

I had a great weekend and then Sunday night after dinner, I started to feel pretty yucky so I went to bed. Only to wake to multiple trips to the bathroom and serious nausea and vomiting. I think Monday may have been the sickest I have felt throughout this entire pregnancy. Usually it will hang around for a few hours and then I will feel better but not this time. I am just now on day 2 of recovery able to sit up and function. Of course my hubby has been at work so I have been hap hazardly trying to care for toddlers and honestly my poor husband had to do all the cooking and cleaning for 2 days too. I'm just so grateful I am feeling a tiny bit better. I have work the next 2 days and I would be so happy if I didn't have to call out sick AGAIN! 
Also, you know how under my comment form it says something like, " please feel free to share your opinions." Well turns out that only applies when I am not pregnant, hormonal, emotional wreck. 

One of my readers and a dear friend tried to leave a lovely comment with a slightly different view point on one of my posts from last week and I decided to just bite her head off. 

SO. SORRY. 

I guess I am just a tiny bit overly sensitive when I'm pregnant. So don't say I didn't warn you:)

I PROMISE I will be back refreshed with an uplifting post!!! PROMISE!!!!!!

Here are the blogs I've been stalking while I've been horizontal..................Jenna from The Life of a Wife, Janae from Hungry Runner Girl, Sarah from Skinny Runner, Lindsay from Lee La La, Stephanie from Love.Life.Babies, Lisa from Yo Momma Runsand Casey from The Wiegand's

Anyhow, just wanted to check in.........off to work tomorrow I hope.
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On Facebook



You know I have a very tumultuous relationship with facebook, right?

I think facebook for a lot of people isn't troublesome because they don't obsessively look at it and really don't use it much but I have a compulsive personality and it drives me crazy!! I obsess about everything; just my personality I suppose.

Back in the early spring I did away with my person account for a few months and it felt great. Then of course I got curious and decided to get back on and see what everyone was up to and immediately got addicted again.
Then after much deliberation decided again about a week or so ago to get rid of my personal account again. I have been trying to pin point exactly what it is that bothers me about it so much.

It's a Waste of Time:
Obviously, this is a no brainer,we are all busy with important things to attend to and jobs to get done. It's a waste of time.

It's Gossipy:
My friend Christy pointed this one out and it;s totally true. Facebook is like one giant gossip session and lets face it gossip never gets us anywhere positive.

It Creates Chaos and Anxiety:
The first benefit I have noticed about NOT having facebook is that I feel calmer. I don't feel the need to be checking and checking and checking every 5 min to see what;s happening. I don't know why we all seem to be so fascinated with what other people who we hardly know half the time are doing every 5 seconds but it really isn't important and doesn't pertain to our own lives. I instantly feel more at ease.

It's Negative:
I can't pin point EXACTLY what it is about facebook that gives me the negative vibe but there is something about that seems wrong or like a lie. It's like a disgusting form of entertainment at it's best; worse than a reality show and the sad thing is..........That's why I love it!!!! But then of course I hate it again! UGH!!!!! 

I've decided I think it's best to leave it out of my personal life if possible. However, I think facebook is an EXCELLENT marketing tool for any business. Whoever it was who thought of it is one smart cookie.

What are your thoughts on Facebook?
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On Parenting


It's ALWAYS love and NEVER perfect

Or anywhere even close.

My husband and I talked about getting pregnant for the third time about 8 months before we actually started to try. 

Our only reservation, MONEY!!!!!! 

Otherwise we knew we wanted a big , warm, squishy, delicious family to gobble on daily. WE wanted our home to be a REAL home! One that full of music and laughter and chaos and clutter!!!! 
Because THAT is the stuff life is really made of. 
Because those are the people who often experience the most and love the greatest. They may also loose the greatest too. It's a gamble but one that's well worth it in my opinion.

I can remember when we were trying to get pregnant for the very first time with Milton, we were so naive. We were not young but most certainly naive when it came to children. We had LIVED and I mean REALLY LIVED.............One day maybe I will fill you in a little more and just how much we lived but the point is we were SO. READY. FOR. A. BABY. 

I got pregnant instantly and we were ecstatic. My pregnancy was fine was for most part. I worked in the ICU on the night shift until I was 8 months and then we moved across the country and had Milton. 
But boy was I in for the shock of my life. Having a baby, even just one baby was the hardest thing mentally and physically I had EVER done in my entire life and I had lived a lot by 30 years old. I was blown away at how hard it was to care for a baby with colic or any new born really. I felt like I was a walking exposed nerve. I had never felt instinct in such a raw, powerful form like that. It's amazing really.
I think my poor husband was just in shock over the entire thing.

But you live and you learn and you realize that that little miracle brought more love and joy into your life than you ever knew was possible to experience. God brought us Ginger a little earlier than we would have planned but isn't that what God's here for anyway? So when Milton was just 4 months old we found out we were expecting another little bundle. 

 So we welcomed her with open arms. I spent the first 6 weeks on the floor crying with both them in my lap thinking I might just die any moment and of course I didn't. Most days I would pray so hard I thought my brain would explode. I would pray to make it through the day, the hour, the minuet , the second. I prayed and prayed and prayed. It's all I could do to not completely loose my mind.


So when Ginger was 1 and Milton was 2 we started to brew on the idea of a third baby knowing it was now or never. So we decided YES!!! Lets go for it. 

Always easier said than done. So now approaching my 6th month of pregnancy with my third baby I find myself scared. Milton and Ginger have decided to do the terrible toddler phase at the exact same time, while I am sick and pregnant and trying to financially support us. 

It's not too fun. I know once baby number #3 arrives we will adjust and I know I will be on the floor crying for 6 weeks praying every second for mercy but that's okay because it's all worth it eventually. 

Forget martial arts, ballet, marathon running, triathlons; nothing can compare to being parents to multiple small humans at the same time. 

NOTHING!!!! 

Not even natural childbirth over and over again can compare because eventually that is over and relatively quickly compared to years of unrelentless parenting.

I can run 20 miles in the blink of an eye and enjoy it. Being a parent, especially of several small children makes you the toughest human on the planet. 


You HAVE TO HAVE THE STRENGTH OF A WARRIOR and the HEART of a LION and the GRACE of Audrey or you might not survive Parenthood. 

All parents deserve some sort of award for strength of character in  my opinion. 

So for now I have the utmost respect for all you parents out there struggling along with our hearts on our sleeves, praying every second we will all survive the next 5 minuets. 


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Happy Halloween from our Family

Happy Halloween  My Friends! 


This year was a more special and meaningful for our family as the kids are finally getting old enough to understand the fun of it.

Ginger was mickey mouse and Milton was the Gold Power Ranger! 


First off we went to a local place called Body where they were having a small Halloween party for little kids and it  was fun. Here was part of the layout!


Trick or treating at the party!

With Dad!
From here we went to Grandma's house to trick or treat briefly and then back to our own neighborhood where we popped the kids in the wagon and hit about 10 houses before we were totally pooped. I was too tired to take any more photos by that point! 

My blood pressure had been VERY low. I stayed in bed ALL. DAY. TODAY hoping to make it out tonight with the kids but I have to get up at 5am and work 13 hours tomorrow so I am saying a prayer tonight I will be okay.

The good news is my 20 week anatomy ultra sound came out totally normal per my doc today 

My husband had an important interview again tomorrow so please say a prayer. We really need the support now. More than ever!

Happy Halloween. I hope yours was safe!
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Pumpkin Carving

Yesterday was Milton's birthday as well as the day before Halloween so every year it;s a little crazy.

My husband decided to do the honors and carve the pumpkin. Milton was amused to say the least.


But DID NOT like the feeling of the guts!!! YUCK! SLIME!

We added a carrot as a nose and some lettuce as hair

ALL DONE!

SPOOKY!!!!

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