So.................I had just received said "LETTER" via snail mail from the gentleman.
I knew full well before I opened that letter what would be inside because I felt it too. Yes, I was MUCH better at stuffing my emotions than he, but I still felt it.
I opened the letter. It was about 4 pages long describing his feelings for me. It was beautifully written and made me feel like I was being swept off my feet for the first time in my young life. His words were so kind, so loving, so gracious. He was so careful in the words he used to describe me and his feelings for me. I never had a man treat me that way before, like I was not only worth something but I was with a pot of gold. I was to be treasured and loved.
I never knew of such wonderful things so of course it frighted me. I only knew of crude, disrespectful, abusive men. That's what I had become accustomed to sadly.
I'm so sad now because I treasured that letter and kept it for years and years and years in a very special box that I carried everywhere and when we were living in New Orleans Hurricane Katrina took us for all we had including my beautiful love letter from my now husband.
Anyway, After reading "the letter" I had a mixture of emotions. Of course I felt loved and knew I had love in my heart in return but was also afraid and immediately wanted to put my guard up.
I don't think I gave an EXACT response which was mean and immature. I acknowledged that I got the letter but didn't tell said gentleman that I had feelings too but I definitely left it open enough for him to interpret it that way.
This part is hard for me to write because I feel horrible for my behavior. So over the next 6 months the gentleman would come to visit me twice in Santa Barbara.
The second visit did not go well and it was all my fault. I decided I couldn't handle it and completely shut down. I wouldn't let him in at all. I ended up driving him to the airport in silence with no goodbye!
It was horrible!!! And I have kicked myself a million times over for it, TRUST ME!
After the that last visit the gentleman's heart was broken, rightfully so and I couldn't swallow my stupid pride!!
So we didn't talk for months and months at a time.
About 2 years go by with minimal interaction and so much HURT!!!!
I thought about him everyday!!!! And finally after years I literally woke up one day and "KNEW" that I had made the biggest mistake of my life!!!
I "KNEW" that I wanted to marry this man and that he loved me so much back then he would have married me but I Had ruined it!!!!
Suddenly he is all I could think about. I had finally grown up a little and experienced enough that I finally realized I had lost such a good thing. Why is it that you never realize what you've got until it's gone!
Of course we were living in different parts of the country at the time and hadn't really spoken in 2 years so we had a mutual friends wedding coming up and I knew we would both be there. I also knew the gentleman was not going to be happy with me AT ALL!!
I was right, he tried to ignore me and stayed across the room from me at all times but by the end of the night I snuggled up next to him, looked him in the eye and told him I was SICK about what had happened and I missed him immensely. I begged him to meet me later to talk.
He finally agreed!
We talked........I cried and apologized for my behavior. I told the gentleman I missed him immensely but he was in a relationship with someone also at the time so I had to respect that but I felt so relived that at least our terms were better.
I feared I had lost my only chance with the man I now knew I was meant to marry.
I knew the chances of him leaving his current relationship weren't that good as he is definitely "A KEEPER" and any woman in her right mid would have held on to him for dear life.
But about a year later their relationship ended!!!
HE WAS A FREE MAN and I knew we were MEANT to be together!!!!!